K2

A guest had to leave this morning. I had the former guest's stuff in the car, and when he returned I was gone on other errands. He called, and I said was on my way over.

He was on the porch when I got there, I knew he'd not come down if I motioned him to, so I made sure he could see me still in the driver's seat and I mouthed words to him like I was saying something.

Naturally, he came closer to hear. I said, "I've got your stuff in the car here, get in."

He yelled, "Why are you kicking me out?"

Me: I'll tell you in the car. *he gets in*

Former Guest, yelling: Why are you kicking me out?

Me: Because -

Former Guest, yelling: None of it is true, I didn't do anything! So why? Why?!

Me: Because -

Former Guest, yelling: You can't just kick me out, I didn't do nothing! So why'd you do this?

Me: You really want to know?

Former Guest, yelling: Yes!!

Me: Okay, but I'm only telling you because you're asking, not because I care to debate it!

Former Guest, yelling: What?!

Me: Drinking beer and smoking.

Former Guest, yelling: I haven't done none of that stuff! (I hadn't said K2, which he definitely had been smoking, but he's not asking why I'd be having him leave for smoking cigarettes. Kind of an admission, not like I need one.)

Me: I only told you as you asked, I said I didn't tell you so I could debate it.

Former Guest, yelling: But I've not been drinking, I swore it off!

Me: Okay.

Former Guest, yelling: You can't kick me out of I've not been drinking!

Me: You know, this would go easier if you'd stop yelling. I know you feel that it adds to your case, but it doesn't. It just makes it harder. You notice that I'm not yelling, and you hear me fine.

Former Guest: That's because you've not been kicked out of your house!

*me, pausing, remembering times I have been kicked out or greatly hurt*

Me: Okay, that's a fair point, you can keep yelling, it's okay. I'm sorry you're hurt by this.

*fast forward more conversations along the same lines, but an admission that some "K" had been smoked but that wasn't nothing, no worse than marijuana, but definitely no drinking

Former Guest: This isn't fair!

Me: Not about whether it's fair or just or whether you smoked this day or that day or that you're drinking -

Former Guest: Wasn't drinking!

Me: Okay. But it's about you not drinking or smoking at all, not for me, not for "fairness" or "justice" but just to stop hurting yourself.

Former Guest: You forgot to pack my blanket, can you go back and get my blanket?

Me: Yes.

*dropped him off at St. John's Breadline - his request - and went back to get his blanket. Drove back with his blanket. Took all of 10 minutes, tops. Saw him sitting in the grass drinking a tall 22 ounce can of beer.*

Me: What are you doing? I thought you swore off?

Former Guest: What'd you expect, you kicked me out!

Me: I think you should check into rehab like I said and try again with us in 30 days.

Former Guest: Leave me alone!

Me: I hope things go well for you.

*drove off*

"Fritz, the boy has come back."

Louisa May Alcott wrote a sequel to "Little Women" called "Little Men".  In it, Jo Bhaer (pronounced "bear") was all grown up and was, with her husband, running an orphanage/boarding school.  This was back in the 1870s, and they would take in all manner of lost boys, each with a heart breaking story, each with their own troubles, some just misguided, others more well and truly a "bad boy".

Even though Jo, like my wife and I, don't believe in "bad boys", just boys - or grown addicts - who had a variety of bad things happen to them.  And have probably done a lot of bad, but can still receive salvation through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Dan was the name of the baddest boy in the book.  Which for those simpler times meant that even though he was only a teenager, he had drank a beer before, played poker and smoked cigars before, and sometimes said "damn" when he was angry.  Yeah, simpler times.  In a hypothetical gritty re-boot D-Dawg would be a crack addict.

They had difficulty in having took him in.  He wasn't as well behaved as the other boys, and caused a lot of trouble.  They worked with him as long as they could, but eventually they had to send him away. They made sure he had another situation, not so nice as theirs, but as good as they could find. Regrettably, he ran away from that new place shortly after, so they did not know what became of him.

Different century, same concerns.

Me deliberately taking "Little Men" as my personal guide book for how to run a sober living home, we try to do the same thing, and always give the person who can't stay a ride to any where they think they'll have better luck, or to another shelter if they have no ideas.  And usually, though we make sure they have my card, we lose track of them after that.  Just like the Bhaers lost track of Dan.

Yet in the book "Little Men" there was a chapter in which Dan returned.  "Fritz, the boy has come back." is what Mrs. Bhaer said to Mr. Bhaer when she was telling him of it.  When she had found the boy, hiding in the back as he was not sure if he'd be welcome, the first words, as he was dazed and wounded, were an expression of gratitude that he was back "home".  

This has happened to us before, lest you think that my modeling some things after this old book is old fashioned, naive or silly.  Alcoholics and addicts - of all ages - really are like wayward teen boys.  As I should know, having been one.  Of course, this doesn't just apply to addicted men, addicted women display some of the same behaviors.  All fiery upon the exit, but when the chips are down, they know who was kind to them and who was not.

Which is how it came to pass that my wife was making breakfast for an active heroin user this morning. Her name obviously was not "Dan", but I'll call her Danielle for this article, and she'd "come home" all the same.  Kind of sort of.  

It started out yesterday, same as the book, when someone else saw her.  I observed out the window that the guys seemed to be milling about the side yard, and I could not help but wonder why.  So I went out, went around back, and there in a lawn chair was a former guest of over a year ago, high on heroin and dressed as if she was hoping to score some more.  Looking rather beat up, too.

She had apparently staggered up the driveway, dragging all of her worldly goods behind her (like Naughty Nan in "Little Men" having walked all the way from the train station to the orphanage).  Having been beat up and drove out of her last place, it was too much for her, so she collapsed in the side yard, falling forward upon her face. The guys helped her into the chair, and that's where I found her when I went out.  

The men thought it was amusing that a woman who looked and dressed like her was asking for me. They were a bit surprised when I knelt down near her at once and patted her shoulder.  My wife coming out and giving her a hug surprised them most of all, though.  I'm not sure they were thinking that my wife knew this rather scantily clad woman.  

We both did though.  She had not been too happy to have had to leave over a year ago.  But sometimes that is necessary.  In spite of her quite intense anger at the time, though, she knew when she had no other place to go who might aid her.  If this were a fairy tale, this is where I'd be speaking of how we made up a bed for her, blah, blah, blah.  Regrettably, this is not a fairy tale, nor was a bed really what she needed most.

But while we're an all men sober living facility now, and had no extra beds in any case, we figured we could help some what.  She let us know through tears of exhaustion that she'd been planning on getting a "hot shot" to deliberately overdose.  As there wasn't anything left for her.  But she figured she'd try here first, just in case, before doing that.  I was relieved that we had been home.  

Long story short - or shorter - and skipping past the whole dramatic tale of abuse and betrayal and Jerry Springer fodder, she's facing several criminal charges, has a daughter who doesn't seem to be treating her as well as could be hoped, and needs to enter rehab.  That last we took as a given.  We'd been trying to get her to do that over a year ago.  Her PO has been trying for that, too.

I got her to the hospital for her injuries, not without several stops before hand.  That's always the case with addicts.  They don't get rides too often so the moment you agree to take them to one place, then half a dozen other "just for a second" stops come up.  Including to get more minutes on her phone, which when I got to where she said did not look like a phone dealership.  A dealer, no doubt.  Just not a phone dealer.  

Still, that was not entirely a shock and if you don't put up with a heroin user using, you won't keep them near you long enough to talk to them.  She came back, feeling better, and we went then to a real phone place where she put some minutes on her phone, then to the hospital, then to the gas station as she had forgot to get cigs, then back to the hospital to check in.  I went in with her, as she was not now in as much of a position to speak clearly.  

I had hoped that they'd put her up for the night and then I could give her a ride in the morning to rehab. Regrettably, they could not.  She called around midnight to let us know this, clearly hoping we'd let her stay, but that just could not be.  Oh, if we were millionaires, we'd have spotted her a hotel or better, just bought a whole facility for women in distress, but we're not.  We knew she'd find a place.

She found a place.  Her dealer.  What a prince.  I went over this morning to pick her up, and was upset again about where the dealer was living.  See, I knew that house.  It's a nice house - a beautiful house - on Fifth, and I had wanted to buy it many years ago when it was going for only $75,000.  I knew then that it would be a great place for those who had trouble with drugs to kick back.

Well, while I couldn't afford it, he apparently could.  And I guess he thought it would be a great place for those who had trouble with drugs to kick back, too!  Just not quite in the same way I'd been thinking!  As I told my wife, "I guess there's more money in dealing heroin then dealing with heroin addicts."  She agreed.

Having picked her up, I first noted that she seemed fine.  Which by the math of withdrawal meant that the dealer had not - as you may have foolishly supposed - kept her overnight out of the kindness of his heart.  No, it was for having her trade for more heroin.  Such is the life of an addict.  Driving off, it turned out that she needed all her stuff to check into rehab.  So we went back to get the stuff that Katie and I had agreed to store.

This delayed things a bit, though.  She came in for her stuff, then she needed some toiletries - which we have a donated supply of - then Katie asked her when she had ate last, and then we get to the point where Katie was making her breakfast.  Probably the first cooked breakfast in some time, I was thinking.  "You guys don't mind helping me if you think I'm helping myself, that what it is, isn't it?"  I nodded.  

We gave her the pep talk.  And it's always a true pep talk.  I took her to the rehab, but as I expected, they could not take her in, due to her injuries and that she had spoken of her suicidal thoughts - even though those were over - to the ER nurse.  But all was not lost.  Another solution was found with the aid of "Danielle's" probation officer.  That solution will remain private.  

As I told her, and as my wife agreed, we'll be definitely praying for her.  Her life, if she got off the stuff, could be really wonderful.  If she stays on it...increasingly horrible.  She still has not quite hit 40.  And heroin and meth haven't done the rapid aging thing to her that it does to so many...but it is coming. Without getting off drugs in the next year or two, her 40 could look like 60.  And not the pleasant sixty of your average church lady.  Bag lady sixty.  

Now we wait.  We had already gone over her legal problems, and likely sentences and like facilities where she may have to go.  She is well aware that her options now are entirely dependent on getting off of heroin.  We reviewed with her all her other troubles.  And provided as best we could advice on that. With again the lesson that these options all get tons better off heroin.  

Yes, now we wait.  As we started waiting over a year ago.  Will we hear from her again tomorrow? Next week?  In a few months if she needs some friendly faces at a possible trial?  Never?  We have, after all, had a guest who disappeared one day only to be found three weeks later dead behind a strip mall, dead from over drinking and exposure.  

But we wait, as it's all we can do.  I always wish for a magic wand to remove these addictions, these struggles from those who come to us.  It's such a shame how they suffer so greatly, and ultimately so pointlessly.  I used to have a rather libertarian attitude towards drugs, but that was years ago.  Now, with all those we see and try to help, I hate drugs with a passion.  There's nothing fun or cool about them.

Guess I'll stop writing and get back to waiting.  Sometimes it seems that it's all we're good for doing.

"How did you let it get like this?"

So today is Friday, the day for program fees here at 490 Outreach.  It's where all the guys in the sober living homes we run are to pay $50 each by 4 pm.  At the moment, this means six guys.  We don't always have six, but for the moment we do.

Now, some have remarked before, and it is true, that $50 a week, even with six guys, is not all that much for providing shelter, water, electricity, gas, internet and more to them.  And it's not.  We charge below cost so as to give them every chance possible to save up for their future independence.  We even, early on, went over some operating models in which we would charge no fee at all, but that never works.

If the person doesn't pay anything, then they do not value what they have received.  Vandalisms, thefts, general orneriness, fighting, all sky-rocket when there is no program fee.  And instead of any money being saved, it tends to go to bad things - like drugs or alcohol.  Oddly, in order to get anyone to save, they must be first at least contributing some to their own way.

I will gladly pay you Tuesday for moving in for free today!

This lesson has been rammed home to us time and again, as inevitably, with hearts at times too much larger than our brains, we've took in some "stray" who "is definitely good for it next week" and then next week comes, and this or that or the other happened, never the person's fault, and so it cannot be till the next target date, which is - this time - for sure for sure.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

On the master list of every guest we've ever aided, you can see that at the beginning, the first half dozen guests the figures show "zero, zero, zero, zero, zero and zero".  After that, we wised up a bit, but still, there's zeros scattered about for each year we've been operating.

There's also been the phenomena of the slowly accumulating arrears.  Where someone doesn't have it on Friday, but will "for sure" have it on Saturday.  Or Monday.  Or Thursday.  You can see that problem, even if it comes in, then the next fee is now nearly due, and they're going to be short on that. This makes for as if we had entirely missed a week's payment, as since we're always a week - or three - behind, we'll be the ones who take that on the chin when they leave.

Lately, as in this year, we've advanced more and are trying to become more "real".  Real as defined by our long put off 501(c)3.  And we're still on track for that, but obviously we've run into some delays. Principally the operating costs.  The utilities for the past winter were fantastically hard on us.  In past years, when we only had one house up and running, we could save some money by keeping the house Katie and I lived in at 50 to 55 degrees.

Meanwhile, the house where everyone only had to pay $50 a week, they'd have the gas furnace roaring away at 75 degrees, and then have some additional electric heaters plugged in, then - seriously - have at times the stove on full blast sucking megawatts of electricity, and then, to add grave insult to the devastating injury, have windows open in their bedrooms with fans blowing, as it was "hot".

While my wife and I were sleeping in sweaters and three quilts.

And if you're wondering if I'm exaggerating a bit, well, the heat situation next door I threw all the various things together at once, so usually not everything was plugged in and roaring away at once. But actually, if I did not keep on top of it 24/7, it was for more times than you'd think.  We finally - in March - solved this by putting a lock on the temperature controls and letting everyone know that any heater found would be confiscated and held until they were ready to leave.

This past April and May we have been trying to "catch up" on the utilities, which since this year this house had to be kept far warmer than 50 - to accommodate the two guests downstairs - was frighteningly high.  Four figures high.  Some monies we meant for other projects had to be thrown over to defray that and keep our heads above water utility-wise.  We've been struggling month to month to keep that lurching along, and doing so by delaying on personal bills, so that we can kick in the difference out of our own pockets.

But this last month, this June, we could put it off no more, and so the $400 that we'd ordinarily have tossed to CWLP to keep the wolves at bay instead went to - since it was her money in the first place - paying off my wife's bills.  This left me to go to CWLP and arrange a pay schedule with them which they graciously allowed.  Where I'll make a $300 payment per week for three weeks, starting this Monday, and being on each Monday.  This way we'll have it reduced to near zero by the end of this month.

And since, for the moment, we receive $300 per week in program fees, this should work.  Given that we've finally been able to get enough business cards, practice, contacts and word of mouth that we can - for the first time ever - generally keep our beds full.  Up to just a month or so ago, that was not the case.  It is still too soon to tell for sure, but if we can manage to keep at capacity, and it appears that we can, we may be at the start of a wonderful financial turn around where things like I've been describing will no longer be a worry.

We may be able to get out ahead of things, instead of running this place check to check, bill to bill, final notice to final notice.

One way, besides being able to find new guests quicker, that we've managed to get to this slightly better place is that we finally lowered the boom on the guests two months ago.  We said that the policy of not paying or delay paying, or paying half now, half never, or virtual skips, or any of the surprisingly numerous ways to not pay was over.  $50 per week, by Friday at 4 pm, or some kind of chore would need to be done in punishment, and if past midnight of that day, then they needed to move.

You're probably seeing where I'm heading with this.

So why Monday, Dean?  Why didn't I tell City, Water, Light and Power that we'd pay the $300 on Friday, when the fees are due in?  Yeah, you know where this is going.  I already knew myself that the odds of everyone having it in by 4 pm would be next to nothing, but - with our new "toughness" - they would be in by the weekend, leaving us Monday to pay.

And sure enough, there was one person who needed to pay past 4 pm, and since he's relatively new that was fine, and there was another who wasn't due to pay till Monday given the day he moved in and blah, blah, that was okay, too.  Really.  So far so good.  But a third person was not able to pay today, he needed till Saturday.  And when he told me that yesterday, I agreed, as I knew that Saturday was still before Monday.

But the call today was that his boss wouldn't pay him till next Thursday, but that he was good for it. And actually, I know that he is good for it.  It's just that the lights don't run on "good for it".  I explained that no, that would not be okay, that we had to pay the utility bill by Monday, or the lights could go out. Now, in actuality, if he truly does not pay, then I will figure something out, I always do, but that's not really the point.  The point is that while we're not looking to make a dime - and trust me, there is never any danger of that - we're not looking to go down in bankruptcy either.

We have a right to break even.

He went into the song of dance of how, what would I do, kick him out over $30?  $30, as he had offered that he could get $20 to us this weekend.  I said that it was not about wanting to kick anyone out, it was about how we had warned of this for months, and if $30 was such a small amount, then he should find someone to give that to him.  He pointed out that he had no one who would give him that money.  I pointed out that I knew that was not true (he has family and friends) and that it wouldn't be a give anyway.

He asked me what that meant and I told him what I've told some who seek to become new guests with no money.  "Since you're sure you're getting paid Thursday, simply tell them that like you told me. That you'll pay them back Thursday.  If I'm to know that you're good for it, they should know it, too."

"How did you let it get like this?" was his next angrily and self-righteously asked question, because clearly if we had only done better he could have slid with no consequences.  I had to run away from my wife who tried to grab the phone from my hands, then I had to run back and shush her so he couldn't hear her explosion!  (My beautiful wife has red hair!)

How I answered him is not relevant to this article, though you may be sure that it was calm and polite and I left it that he seriously needed to try hard to get that $50 by noon Monday at the latest.

But what is the answer?  How did we 'let' it get like this?

My wife knows.  Hence her anger.  It "got" like that because I tried all winter to speak softly and cajole and beg the guys to stop turning up the thermostat.  It's because when one of them had their bedroom window open, I just shut it, and did not kick them out even though they had been sternly warned before.  It's because at each turn, be it stoves on or windows open or fans running or furnace roaring, I reasoned and explained and plead for adults to be adults, and refused to kick any out over it on the grounds of "we're here to help them".

Well, we are here to help them, but even before this day, we knew that the manner of it was to change. Hence our ramped up proficiency at finding replacement guests for those that we already kick out more frequently with our handy Breathalyzer.  Hence our tightening up of the rules and having people removed for rule violations, including, yes, failure to pay on time.  Such as the situation of a guest who stayed free just this past winter, for six weeks with the pay always being about to be here.

As I told the person today, helping one by not having them pay on time just means that then 5 more - and my wife and I - go without electricity.

Now, while I did not tell him this, as it will never come up again, this will be the last time that we are in a "how did we let it get like this" fix.  Mainly because already we have took the steps to see to it that such will NEVER happen again.  By the policies of nearly instant eviction for rule violations and a flat out insistence on timely pay, our preliminary budget figures show that we can be finally safe and self-sufficient by the end of this summer.

Maybe sooner.

And this CWLP bill, so scary now, will never get scary again, not this time.  For the first time ever, we will approach winter with no dread, because the utility costs will NOT go through the roof, the stove will NOT be on, the windows will NOT be open, fans will NOT be running.

So good news.  And sad news.  See, we had been trying to be the "nicer" house.  And I know that we'll still always be nicer than other houses.  But the other houses are the way they have been for a reason. Too nice just means it all collapses, then no one can get aided.  We have to be what we will like to think of as "firm but fair" and what others will inevitably call "mean".

And we really are sorry about that.  But in the end, this will let us aid more people who are serious about sobriety and getting back on their feet.

Back to the guy who still owes us, what will we do?  I told my wife this evening, "If it was a case of he truly could not get the $50, I'd find another way to get the $50 and wait till Thursday, because I know he is good for it.  But he can get the $50 if he really tries, he just doesn't want to call family and friends. He'd rather I call people.  And I won't put up with that.  He was warned a long time ago to not let this happen, and we did spot him for a few weeks before.  No more.  The guys all have to know that if there is no fee, there is no staying.  That sucks, it truly does, but that just is how it has to be."

This month we're paying off CWLP.  Period.  No ifs, ands or buts.  Next month, we're paying off one old debt and paying back the "501(c)3 fund" that we had to borrow from.  That's June and July covered.  In August we'll pay all the taxes.  Then in September, we're going to finally get the rest of this place fixed up - landscaping, windows, new paint job.

Come October?  Well, then.  We'll be all set, won't we?  And as we slide into the cold months there'll be no further worries.  About utilities, or anything else.  We'll have arrived.  We'll be able to keep helping six people at a time indefinitely.

That's how we'll 'let' it get like that!

Three Openings

I was doing the 2016 annual report for 490 Outreach two days ago, since had I not done so, I'd have had to pay a $100 late fee. This was my best annual report yet.  As in when balancing everything, I noticed that we had $4,100 in program fees.  As some of you are suspecting, that wasn't actually enough to support a house full of guys, but it was the largest amount of program fees we've had so far.

And now, this year, we have two more spots.  The hope is to have as constant an occupancy rate as possible.  You see, $4,100 divided by a $50 per week program fee equals 82 program fee weeks. That works out to us having had 1.57 guests per week for 52 weeks.  In a four bed house.  A four bed house that had 208 program fee weeks available.

Me.  If I were young, handsome and wore suits to the library.

That's not good enough.  True, it was our best year, but it's not good enough by a long shot.  True, we actually served more people than 1.57 per week, but the point of that is that more need to be paying guests.

This year, we're striving for it to be a bit better.  It is in some ways already, but we've still a ways to go. On the plus side, we do have the extra two spots now.  With six beds, then even though we still rarely operate at full capacity, at least if we're two short out of six that's four, instead of being two short out of four and having only two.

And we've instituted a more rigorous policy on the paying of the program fee, and that has made a difference.  We still get burned by our own willingness to try to work with some, though.

And attrition is still hard.  Two days ago, for instance, while this is an extreme example, we lost three guests at once.  From full occupancy of both houses to just three guests.

In the case of one, he had moved in last Wednesday and had paid the $50.  Since we collect such on Friday, he was going to get some free days and not have to pay till this upcoming Friday.  Another thing we're going to have to start to change, as we lose on that one each time.

But he dropped off his stuff and with a song and dance about his long and varied hours at Steak n' Shake, we pretty much literally never saw him since.  We've ran into this before.  See, he has a car, but if he carries all his stuff in it, then his girl will know he doesn't have his own place.  So long as she knows he does have his own place, she'll let him basically live with her, but heaven help him if she finds out he's homeless.

You're probably asking, "How come such don't just rent a storage place for $50 a month instead of $50 a week?"  The answer is that they do wish to make use of the shower and kitchen if they have to, like if they're between girls, or in an extreme case, if they need to bring her over to pretend the whole house is there's and they're just letting some others "crash" with them.

If you're wondering - and you shouldn't - while we know of that phenomena, it's rare as we nip that in the bud at once.  We're here to aid people, so no, to answer what some have asked, it's not about getting a steady program fee.  It's about finding someone who actually needs help, even if we're going to go without the program fee for a bit while we find that person.

This guy is the second one in a month that has tried that.  This one, though, I've texted him and left a voicemail when he didn't answer any of my phone calls.  He didn't respond.  He's not at either hospital or the jail.  I changed the lock combo and told the guys that if he stops by, tell him to see me.  I'm wondering how many days it will be before he realizes he doesn't live here any more.  Probably Friday, when he'll no doubt come by with the program fee that I'll decline.

The second guy was a sad case.  He had gone to church, just once, but still.  That always gives me hope, but in this case it was a false hope.  This 45 year old man was only able to move in because his retired mother payed his program fee.  I caught him drinking at once, and gave him the talk and another chance.

While aiding him in what seemed to me to be a rather half-hearted job search, I prayed he'd stop drinking.  Monday night, smelling it on him when he asked me a question about what he needed to do to get his resume in order, I said, "You need to stop drinking.  That'll help you to get your resume in order."  He looked puzzled - being drunk will do that - and I said, "Listen, you think I'm not breaking out the breathalyzer because I'm scared to?  I'm trying to give you every chance.  You've a job interview tomorrow, stop drinking!  Because if I bring out the breathalyzer, and it shows anything but zero point zero, you're out of here."

Next day, took him to his interview.  Later in the afternoon, he was clearly drunk.  I got out the breathalyzer, went over, and told him I needed him to blow.  He said that it might show something from yesterday evening when he drank.  I said, you mean when I talked to you at 6pm?  He said yes.  I said, "You lose a shots worth each hour, so unless you had several gallons, you're good to go."

He blew a .16.  .08 to .10 is sufficient to be arrested for drunk driving in most states.  So yeah, he was drunk.  He said it was from the previous day.  I said, "I hope you understand that's impossible.  And if you don't understand that, please understand that I understand that such is impossible."

He argued the whole time.  He needed a chance.  I reminded him of the chances.  Everyone else was doing this or that or the other, all bad.  I told him that I'd never had anyone leave who did not tell me the same things, and he shouldn't worry about what others are up to.  He told me ****** was seriously drinking way worse than he was.  I told him that I was pretty sure that a few million folks in China were also drinking more than him, but none of that had a thing to do with his sobriety.

He regaled me with his story of having been adopted.  How his mother loved her "real" children more than him.  (The same heartless mother who had paid each week he'd been there and would have kept paying if I had kept him.)  He told me that revenge was sweet, and that he now owed me and my wife. I told him that neither of us had done anything to him, and nor was he the first to threaten us.

Finally, he said that since I'd not let him have that chance, it was over. Done. And he got out a knife and held it up to his throat.  While I was concerned, I could not help but think of the scene in "Blazing Saddles" where the new Sheriff holds himself hostage with his gun pointed to his own head.

Me:  "Are you seriously trying to tell me that you will kill yourself if I do not let you stay here?"

Guest:  "Yes, I'm telling you that."

Me:  "I'm sorry to hear that.  You still can't stay."

Guest:  "I mean it."

Me:  "If you do not put down that knife, I will call the authorities."

*I walk over, he takes the knife away from his throat*

Me:  "Give me the knife."

Guest:  "No."

*He folds the knife, puts it in his pocket and starts to walk up the steps*

Me:  "Since you aren't giving me that knife, you are going to have to leave now."

Guest:  "I already had to leave, so what?"

Me:  "So there is a greater urgency now then before.  That was a bit too dramatic, my friend."

Finally I got him to Helping Hands.  Where he was too late for a bed.  We walked back to the car, and I opened the passenger side door, hit the "all lock" button, and closed it.  I knew he expected a further ride to some mythical place.  There was no other place.

Me:  "I'm a bit upset that had you left at once, we could have been here in time."

Former Guest:  "What now?"

I hear that each time.  As if having helped them the once, that it is now my responsibility to find them the next place.  Like if I cannot, then I must still keep them.  This is a child-like way of thinking that is utterly alien to me, even when I was an active alcoholic.

Me:  "That is for you to decide."

Former Guest:  "I've no place to go."

Me:  "If you are seeking advice, I would suggest you let me call your mother."

Former Guest:  "No!"

Me:  "Failing that, and as you cannot stay at ARC, you should go across the street to where those three guys are sitting.  See what they plan on doing.  Worst case scenario you will spend a warm spring night under the stars and can check into Helping Hand in the morning."

He then asked me to take him to the police.  I pointed to where the building was and said he could walk.  But that he'd need to commit a crime, and that seemed like a bit of trouble when he could just wait till tomorrow morning.  He said he needed to be in doors.  I told him - knowing it wouldn't work - that if he was very quiet, he could probably get away with staying the night in the hospital.

That's an old trick I've used before when I was hitchhiking around the country.  If you sit quietly, they'll assume you're waiting on a patient.  So I'd read my book for a bit then doze off with it in my hands. But I was always clean and quiet.  That helps a lot.  Him, I was figuring he'd get away with it for all of 15 minutes, if that.

But that was acceptable to him, so off he went.

I don't really have the time or space here to relate how the third one left.  If anything, it was more bizarre than the second guy.  Especially how he left owing me $50, but then paid me that $50 the next day.  Which then guaranteed that then, in spite of me being "the one who meows", that I could not stay angry!

I passed out my cards the next day, at ARC and Helping Hands.  I got a call later that day, and another guest knew someone who needed a spot, so we have two of the spots filled now.  Still need one more.