Conveying My Vision

I'd like to convey my vision.  I'd like to very much.  But I fear that I've not the words for it, the words that could let you feel about it as I do.  Probably there are no such words for anyone to truly feel another man's dream, another man's vision, but I fear I may not even get close enough so that you can at least see dimly what I mean.

For you see, to me, this still small but now noticeable non-profit is everything.  Oh, not "everything", there's family and church, of course.  But besides my wife and my faith, it's everything.  Like a career and hobby and vocation and calling all rolled into one.

A vision of self-sustaining Christ-centered service to others.

I saw so much for it at the beginning - when I had nothing but some savings and a penchant for scanning ceaselessly around for the appropriate first house.  I had two requirements.  The house had to be under $10,000, and there were plenty of those in Springfield, believe me.  But it also had to be in a "non-crack neighborhood", and that condition was a lot harder to meet.

I spent many a day driving up and down streets in Springfield, getting out when the boards over the window let me know it might be affordable.  Looking about, getting a feel for it, marking down the address, so that later I could go to the court house and look up the property owner, get the valuation of it, and see what he might be interested in asking.

And evenings would be spent hitting "refresh" on a realtor dot com type site, where I had the parameters set for "Springfield Illinois" and "0 - 10,000".

Then the day when it flashed up, $8,900!  And in Harvard Park, even if only the poor cousin edge of it!  It was condemned, it had nothing - literally, no roof, no windows, no furnace, no water heater, no plumbing or electricity.  The exterior walls were there, and the interior walls were - mostly - intact.  The floor had a lot of the roof on it, from when the roof had fell in.

But I saw the vision of it all the clearer.

That was nine plus years ago.  Now two houses, one completely done, the other for all intents and purposes done, and six men being aided as we speak.  Fifty past guests before them.

I see the vision more clearly now, and it's yet even larger.

What is that vision?  Well, for all my speaking on it, it's not huge as such things as "visions" go.  We're not talking of the Red Cross or United Way.

The vision is this - a means of aiding those who have fallen due to alcoholism/addiction, but have got back up.  Aiding them in getting back on their feet, and aiding them in coming to have a real relationship with Christ that is more than lip service, but involves an actual realization of the importance of church going.

And in so doing, be fixing up various houses that otherwise would remain eyesores or become empty lots, and thus at the same time we're aiding others, we'd be aiding the community in looking better, too!

And further, that as each of these houses would then be - like these first two - paid off, that the program fees charged the men seeking a road to recovery would be enough to cover the maintenance and upkeep of the houses.  And with a bit left over.

A "bit" left over for two things.  One, for the continued growth of the non-profit.  And two, to aid locally in charitable outreach in general.  Both through whichever church the caretaker/program supervisor was affiliated with, and in general aid like food distribution and such.

In this manner, the aiding of the men seeking a new and sober life would also be aiding the community, and also a wider mission outreach!

In this scenario, a self-sufficient couple, since our by laws forbid salaries, can be the principle overseers of such projects.  My wife and I demonstrating it here shows that it could work else where.

And by "working else where", I don't mean that we grow that large, I think that growing too large can be it's own problem.  But that we could be imitated.  That would be preferable.  I see no reason why this model could not be duplicated in each mid-sized town.

I believe in my heart - though I'm obviously not listing out all the nitty-gritty details here in this lone article - that this is a sustainable and self-supporting business model, and that three to six houses per medium size town could be operated without undue or disproportionate difficulty.

I also see that each of these places could participate in local food distribution, becoming even more self-sufficient and aiding even more people, and in more ways than the core way of the sober living homes themselves.

Thus exposing even more people to the opportunity to learn about Christ and learn how to have a better, cleaner, more productive life.

The A-Team!

Where the "A" stands for angels!

See, there is fully functional kitchen downstairs now, but it was definitely a team effort!

Here we just got it downstairs, and that was a four man job!
A bit cluttered, but it'll look nicer when the re-arranging is done!

Garvey Rice and Brian Davis on the electrical, without which nothing could be powered!

Sue Hogge and Kevin Sebben for the refrigerator!

Drew Rucker and Thelma Daywalt for the sink!

Mike and Laurie Owen for the microwave!

Now the two men down there can cook and store food and wash dishes and just basically live.  Full bathroom, bedroom/living room area and now a kitchen!*

This, well...it's been a long time coming.  But all worth it now.  That's two more people that can be aided now.  Six instead of four!  And fully aided, not just kind of sort of partially!

And all thanks to the A-Team!

*Obviously this is not a full donor and helper list, but only those most specifically to the latest project of the kitchen!

Weekly Update?

This is the third time in which I've specifically wrote an article about our 490 Outreach sober living homes on the weekend, trying to create some semblance of a "routine" publishing date.  Not sure if I'll keep that up, or go back to the haphazard method of "waiting till something of particular interest" occurs!

I have noted though that on almost any given week, things of some interest do take place, and while of interest to me as it's my job, I've come to understand that it seems of interest to those not in that world, too, as they try to understand and come to terms with what makes alcoholics and addicts that way.

Now if one is reading this specifically for such an insight, they may end up a bit disappointed.  I'm a recovered alcoholic/addict myself, and I have no great secret of the ages as to the "why" of this kind of thing. I suppose from a biological perspective, some humans are better able to withstand various strains of flu, and likewise some are better able to take or leave substances that activate the pleasure center of the brain.

From a theological perspective, it's just one among many sins that various mortals are tempted with.  I suspect that whenever there is any kind of biological, sociological or psychological propensity for something, that Satan uses that.  And why wouldn't he?  It would be absurd to try to tempt me with gambling, when I dislike it - in the old days, I regarded it as a waste of "drinking money"!

But I imagine that he tempts gamblers with such, as they would regard drinking as a waste of gambling money!

A great "cure" for such urges is having an appropriate social network.  Those connected to family and responsible non-addict friends, those particularly in the "tribe", sociologically speaking, of a church family, do FAR better first, at not succumbing so much to such vices, but second, being able to throw them off easier. Or with less difficulty anyway.

We just got two new guests.  The "wanted man" who had been here we had to kick out a week ago.  He had stole from several of the guys (a buck in change from one, a few ciggs from another, but still) and he routinely missed curfew to stay at a girlfriend's house overnight. When I told him by text that I'd take his things anywhere he wanted, he asked if I meant I was kicking him out.  I told him that I was more acknowledging that he clearly had another place to stay, but yes, he was kicked out.

I didn't get into the "you stole from the other guys" part, as experience has taught me that such is only going to get an angry denial and an argument in which I'll be asked to present proof sufficient to convince the Supreme Court, and if I fail in any particular to have DNA reports, video footage and 17 witnesses from a convent somewhere, they'll be like, "Well, then, see, I'm innocent!"

He's too clever for us, your Honor, the State is dropping all charges.

In such instances as I do start to get sucked into such a debate, I say, "This is a sober living home, not a Law and Order episode, I don't need to prove it to a jury, it's enough that everyone here knows.  And ultimately, enough just that I know."  This applies to drinking, not just thieving.

Oh, as to he being the "wanted man", he had waited till he was processed in and then related that to me the next day.  Nothing dramatic, it's not like the movies.  It wasn't that he had helped Edward Snowden and had snuck in from Russia, or was a mass murderer fleeing a tri-state man hunt.  No, just some minor hippy-dippy charges resulting from some drug nonsense gone awry.

"And so we all ran, but when the cops caught the other two guys, they said that all the drugs were mine, when none of them were!"

To which I nodded and remarked that it was distressing the lack of integrity among some.  Since many miss my sense of humor that I inherited from my British mother, he just nodded and agreed.

In any case, the first thing I advised him was that there was no "Program Supervisor/Client privilege".  Then that he should turn himself in immediately for however bad it might be, it's worse if you make them work at it to catch you.  And they'll always catch you in the end, unless you can live off the land or mail yourself to Mexico.

And while the movies don't show it, Mexico will just send such types back.

In any case, if it bothers anyone that we gave him a few days to figure it out, please know that as a result of that first and only situation, I did discuss it with my wife and come up with a new policy.

In the future we'll ask in the processing if they are currently wanted for anything, and if they say "yes", we will not accept them but only advise that they seek an attorney and to comply with the law as quickly as they can. If they say "no", and we find out later they lied, then they will be asked to leave for having lied to us.  And given the same advice.

Well, all that had left us one short in the main house, and the basement of the second house was still empty.

But then, a local businessman and fellow church goer came by and installed a lot of electricity - like, four outlets!  One a nice fancy one safe for being near a sink, which obviously went near the sink!  Another regular one for a microwave!  Another one for a refrigerator!  And yet another for a stove, a very special install with special wire and that fancy big box for the stove to plug into!

So now we had room for three more guests, though we were still needing to get a refrigerator and stove for the basement.

One of the guests knew a guy who needed a place so he had come by last week and found out how much it would be and agreed to come back this latest Friday.  Which he did.  Bringing his first week's program fee of $50 and a friend who was interested in the basement.  He only had $30.  Or rather, he could only "get" thirty, he didn't have it yet.

Hmm...I know where that usually goes.  But while I might talk tough in some articles, I try to give a chance if it's possible.  I offered that he mow the lawns for the $20 part - not much of a value to me, as I could do it myself pretty quick - and then he pay the $30.  He agreed, but sure enough, while gone for awhile, he came back very late and didn't have the $30.

However, it was late, and I felt that he might be worth a chance, especially since he was friends with two of the guests, so I said he could spend the night and we'd figure it out in the morning.  In the morning I told I had to go to church but he was free to see if he knew anyone who had the thirty and we'd worry about the lawn later.  (It being the Sabbath)

At church, though, my wife texted me that he was mowing the lawn!  Which kind of puzzled me as the lawn mower I had borrowed from another church friend was in the back of the very van that I had drove to church in, me having planned on having the guy wait till Sunday for any lawn work.  I asked what he was mowing with, and it turned out that his dad had heard of his possible new chance with our sober living house and immediately came over with a mower to help him out!

Which while yeah, the Sabbath, they didn't know, so I thought that was kind of the father.  They had finished and the dad had left before I got back.  But as my wife said, it was good that this new guest at least has a support system, which he clearly did if family and friends were willing to aid him with the lawn.  And his sister was still there and let me know she was willing to help on his program fee if need be.

Okay, so clearly we're giving this guy a try!  And he is downstairs as I type, having had a good nights sleep! But first, he actually did ask me for a ride yesterday and I took him to some place that he'd done some work for and he got $30 for that, and passed it over to me at once.  I made a note of his current status in my iPhone, and then we went to a friend of his and got a good deal on a working stove!

So now there is a nice working stove plugged into the nice new working outlet for that stove!

Now, while I had started writing this in the morning, I got interrupted by a guy knocking on the door.  He said, "One of your guests over a year ago who was working on your plumbing had me over to give advice." I remembered him.  Because he was the only reason the plumbing finally worked!

He said, "I've got a washer and dryer that I need to sell, and I was in the area and thought of your houses first."  I said, "I've only got thirty bucks, sorry.  But thanks for thinking of us!"

"Thirty dollars?  That's what I was hoping for!  Sold!", he said.  I said, "That's great, I'll have the dryer, that'll be a big help!"  He said, "No, for both!"

And that's how we got a washer and dryer for $30 today!

On another note on appliances, we are on the hunt now for another refrigerator!  Yes, we need a specific refrigerator for down stairs.  Something larger than a dorm fridge, but smaller than the big ones where the freezer is on the left side and the fridge the right.

We need one of the old ones, where the freezer is on top.  About that size.  That would be ideal.

Now what's coming up this week?  Well, there'll be the six pm house meeting today, in which I will review the rules on the guests having guests over.  Particularly not having guests over who are of the opposite sex who don't understand that when I say "no women in the bedrooms" I mean it, even they aren't doing anything and are fully dressed.

Because last night when I caught that I had to say, "I know you aren't doing anything and I can see that you are fully dressed.  Which is why I'm having you leave now.  Before that changes."

Her presence also violated another rule.  The "no having people over who don't really have a place to stay". Because sure enough, she had no place to stay.  She wanted to sit in the living room and call for a ride, but at 11:00 pm?  I was on to that trick.

I told her I'd give her a ride.  She was inclined to argue and just wait till she could call someone - which would have turned into her spending the night.  I said, "You misunderstand.  I'll give you a ride, but only because I do not want you here for even one more minute.  If you'd prefer to walk, that's fine.  But you must leave now."

So she had me give her a ride, northside, of course, it wasn't going to be easy.  She must have called half a dozen guys but none of them were up for her to "stop by for a visit".  I guess they knew her.  Finally I dropped her off at a Quik and EZ - her request, and the irony was not lost upon me - and some guy who had finally said "yes" came by to pick her up.

Sad.  On quite a few levels.  And why I'm glad we're only ever helping male alcoholics and addicts.  They're far easier to deal with!

Tomorrow, I work on some more paperwork in preparation for our upcoming 501(c)3 exemption!  So I'll be at the University, some how it is easier to focus on doing paperwork there than in your own home!

There!  Weekly update, achieved!

A mention in the Chamber's magazine!

"Update" is the magazine of the Greater Springfield Chamber of Commerce.

This month they featured an excerpt of an article I had wrote on this very blog!

Here is that excerpt, and the picture they let me submit of myself with my lovely wife!

Coming Changes

Didn’t get too many “likes” on last week’s article.  Even from the stalwart few who always give us “likes” on each article.  My wife and I pondered that, and came to the conclusion that it was for last week’s article speaking of how we had to kick out a woman.  And maybe the thought of a woman being kicked out saddened some.  

Maybe.  We know that it sure saddened us, though re-reading it, I can see how maybe the sadness part didn’t come through as much as I’d have liked.  Perhaps writing it in the heat of that moment made a difference.  Or perhaps it was my desire to more explain some of the nuts and bolts of the various reasonings that go into the decisions that can seem callous to an outsider.

But I know that my wife and I have been at this for a few years now.  Long enough to know some home truths about how sober living homes - and aid to others in general - works.  Long enough to know that some changes are needed.  And coming.  We’ve this year come to an even greater resolve, where this is what we’re doing with our lives and we will succeed at it, no matter how long it takes or how much more effort.

Yes, we had that resolve all along.  What I’m saying is that my wife and I have discussed it, extensively, and have made a renewed commitment to double down on our mission, and try and push ahead even harder than before.  We are going to get squared away, and we are going to grow and we are going to succeed. More so than we have already.

For starters, we know that we’re nice.  In fact, in the main, we’ve been too nice, usually while being spit upon.  We still accept new guests now and then without even the fifty dollar fee.  Even though that has never, in three years, EVER worked out for us.  Always, without fail, those who do not have the money at the start, never do.

Secondly, we know that when a person who has never paid must leave, they will NEVER be grateful for the free time they had.  ALWAYS they will be angry at the free time ending.  I’ve a guy put out last year still stalking us with texts and facebook messages.  To me - and to my wife.  So if you wonder why last week’s article did not seem too weepy - that should help explain why.

Thirdly, even those who do pay, while they have at least an actual chance of succeeding (15%), some will imagine that fee to be some kind of large - too large - amount that entitles them to everything and anything, and at once, if not sooner.  

Example:  In the winter time, those in the sober living home paying a $50 per week flat fee that includes all will have the furnace running full blast, temperature set on 75, and more often than not, some additional electric heaters plugged in which are specifically against the rules.  And then have some windows open, because hey, it’s so darn hot, you know?

Meanwhile, right next door to that tropical paradise, we who make up the difference between the program fees and what it really costs to operate a house, have our living area at 60, and wear sweaters to bed.  Previous years, we’ve had it at 50, but this year, since someone was down stairs - for free - they had so many heaters plugged in that we got the residual heat from that.

Fourthly, there is nothing that is not expected for that $50 fee.  Besides unlimited heat, there is no need to care for anything, as since they are “paying” it can be used to destruction and we’ll just have to replace or repair it.  And no need to take any routine care of anything - the washer needs the water turned off from the spigot above it, or it will drip, drip, drip an extra $25 per month on our utility bill.

Needless to say, there’s always an extra $25 per month extra on that utility bill, even with me trying to guess each time one of them is doing laundry and going over after to turn that water off after.

Oh, and as to that free laundry?  Since it’s free, then too many do the “one load for three items” thing.  Over and over again.  But if they were paying for it at the Lucky Lady Laundromat, you know darn well it would be “stuff the washer till it bursts at the seems with 83 pieces of clothes because hey, you want to get your six quarters worth”.  I’m giving serious thought to a “laundry day” and locking the basement over there for the rest of the week.

Fifthly, I get guests here and there now and then who will “do the math” and act then like they’re being exploited so that Katie and I can live high on the hog.  This “math” assumes that we always have every bed filled and that each person in each bed is actually paying.  This laughable assumption, which at no point in our entire time of operating this home has EVER happened, would have $800 per month coming in.

Then after assuming maximum income as the norm, the output is assumed to be $100 a month for utilities and….and nothing else.  Hence all those Paris and London and Tokyo trips Katie and I take each week.  The reality is far different, sad to say.  

Katie and I fix everything before our own living area, as a result, the guys live better than us.  We don’t have a working bathroom sink.  We brush our teeth in the kitchen.  We don’t have a working dryer - but when someone broke the dryer over there, we replaced that for them.  Katie and I don’t have real windows, like the $200 each new windows over there - all ten of them.  We have broken ones which we can cover with tape and insulation in the winter to keep the wind out.

Now, as a matter of policy, and my own upbringing, I don’t actually explain the fallacies in this to such few guests as are bold enough to try and mention what they figure is their exploitation.  Mostly because if I did they’d figure then they had a “right” to sit with me each month and “help” me decide where Katie and I were going to spend our own money.  I file my annual report with the Charitable Trust Bureau each year, that is sufficient.

Because, yeah, it is our own money that ALWAYS makes up the difference.  We don’t get $800 per month.  The ledger for 2016 showed me that on average we got $400 per month.  And in all cases, not only would we usually have the first house mostly full - just not full of consistent fee payers - but we’d have an extra guest or two downstairs, for free.

And while thanks to our own hard work, savings and years put in before we could even open our doors, both houses are owned outright, there are more than just utilities to spend money on.  There’s the gas bill, about $100.  Then there is regular utilities which for reasons discussed above is far, far higher than it should be.  I’m going to be going in to speak to the utility company this Monday, it’s that time of year where we can try and catch up, but I’ll need them to work with me or we’ll be cut off this upcoming week.

What do we pay each month on that?  NEVER less than $200 per house, or $400 per month right out of the gate just to them.  Then, at least two times a year, that schedule will have us fall ever further behind until we must make up the difference, a difference measured in HUNDREDS of dollars.

Then there is insurance.  Unsurprisingly, that’s a bit more involved, and more expensive, than just paying $30 for renter’s insurance.  Funny how insurance companies insist on charging more for older properties, properties still being repaired and properties with high risk business activities going on involving parolees, probationers, ex-cons, and addicts!

Is that all?  Ha, ha.  We don’t have our 501(c)3 yet - thought that’s coming soon now - but even when we do, that does NOT exempt one from property taxes.  And while given the value of the homes, it’s not much compared to what I know some of my readers are paying, it’s not nothing either, and that’s a given amount that must be set aside each month - or scrambled for at year’s end, each time.

Then there’s auto insurance - oh, no, not speaking of Katie’s car, we pay for that, I’m speaking of the van which is corporate owned.  And it’s plates.  But to too many guests, it’s assumed that they can get rides magically, at no cost in insurance, tags, gas, oil changes, etc.  Or that the random $2 offered to me somehow covers all those rides to work and to see their kids or go to the doctor or, or, or.  No, that’s we paying for that.  It sure as heck isn’t covered by program fees.

There’s garbage service.  There’s the internet.  There’s costs associated with running things that they don’t directly see, from a safety deposit box to annual filing fees to the various fees and such that doing business in Illinois requires.

And of course, there’s the continuous repairs and improvements.  Now for that we get donations, thank heavens, and that’s honestly about the only thing that lets any improvement get made ever.  Given that I’m sure some of you already noticed that our average fee income of “less than $500” is not sufficient for the output of “more than $800”.  

Now, is it all bad?  No, but it can be frazzling.  Katie’s car - much preferred for giving rides in as it took less gas - is parked now due to it needing repairs that we can’t afford at the moment.  And I dry our clothes next door, as we can’t afford that dryer for ourselves yet.  And a variety of ticky tacky that I’m not going to list out, because we’ll get by.

But we have come to some conclusions.

We have a better feel now for some of the “too strict rules” that other houses have.  We see now that without those, it gets to this kind of situation, a situation that we’ve been able to afford, but only barely.  If by “only barely” I mean, “well, not quite really, but mostly”.  

And we’re going to change that.  Not entirely, my heart is still soft, tone of this article notwithstanding.  I still talk tougher than I am, a fact known to the guys as they still ask me for a five spot till payday or rides and such with no reticence.  And without walking away disappointed.

But things will be tightened up.  Particularly on the utility situation.  We will be, for the first time, be having consequences for specifically and flagrantly violating the rules on electric heaters, open windows while the AC is on and such as that.  It’s what other houses do.  Houses that thus have less in utilities than us, while accommodating more men.

We are going to get the basement done up, and we will be doing our level best to have six fee paying guests.  This will bring in - since there is NEVER full occupancy - a steady $800 a month.  Finally.  Because while I know we’ll always be short around two fees, it should average out to as if we had four regularly consistent fees.

This should let us catch up on bills, finish up on repairs, pay back some debts corporately owed, and in general get squared away improvements-wise and on all other fronts.  If that then worries anyone, because after all that it may work out to “extra” money per month…

...well, rest easy, that day I have projected out to 2018, at the earliest.  And on that blessed day, if there is ever such a thing as “extra” when dealing with aiding six men and operating two houses, then we’ll be looking into a third house.  Possibly.  I am still thinking that some reading this are yet underestimating what it takes to operate and maintain two houses, even with them paid off.

There’s good reason why the other sober living homes charge 30 to 40 percent of their guest’s income to stay in similar conditions.

What will this mean in the end? It will mean that we can aid more people, more productively, and with more resources. More will be introduced to Christ. More will have a chance to get back on their feet. More will have a chance at a real life. We can't help those who truly wish help if we keep getting drowned and/or drug down by those who just want some rest and play time.

Next week:  Back to heart warming stories!  And as always, if anyone would like a tour, let me know!  

My duck's back got a work out!

I wonder sometimes if some of the guests we have, even some that we've had to have leave, know just how much my wife and I ponder their lives and their troubles and their potentials and their possibilities.

Yet we do.  Running a non-profit that oversees these sober living homes, it's our job, it's our profession, it's our vocation, it's our hobby, it's our day to day, it's our calling, it's just in short what we do and who we are.

Some days are good days, and you really feel good about what you're doing.  Other days, you get a lot of grief, but still, all in all, I still feel good about what we're doing.  I had to go buy a duck's back early on - so there'd be something for everything to roll off of!

We have some guests that leave on good terms, and some that leave on bad, but even the ones that leave on bad terms, while they fret me, I still feel that things are going well.

It's hard to know whether to laugh or cry, sometimes.  We had a woman - the last woman we'll ever aid because guys are less bother - get mean today.  She had already left over a week ago, after having six weeks stay for free.  A boyfriend of hers had paid the $50 program fee for one of those six weeks, but other than that, a dead loss.

She stuffed some stuff down the outflow pipe for whatever reason and flooded out the basement.  Not that she figured it was her fault.  I mean, a sock wadded up and stuffed down there, a ping ball on top of that, then a cap, then the rug holding the cap down and a dresser on top of the rug - what?  Like that's bad?  And why would we think that was her just because she was the only one living down there?

Uh huh.

Well, that was a heaven sent opportunity, because the three inches of water that such generated when it rained last week had her leave for some boyfriend's place in Jacksonville.  I got all her stuff out safely to the shed.  She had no word on when she'd get it.

But just like I knew that if it hadn't flooded last Friday I'd still have had her out, so I knew that if she hadn't picked up her stuff by the end of Saturday that it wouldn't be stored any longer.  In those situations, I usually deliver it.

She texted Friday that she'd pick it up Saturday.  Fine.  She chose the day that I'd be at church most of the time, and probably did that deliberately so she could have some time with her boyfriend who still lives in the main sober living home.

She couldn't be bothered to give a specific time, I was to either wait all day missing everything, or just not be there, which I'm sure was her preference.

So I got out all her stuff from the shed and set it on the picnic table.  And before going to Sabbath school sent two texts.  One to her letting her know that her stuff was there available.  And one to her boyfriend at our sober living home reminding him that she was not to go into that house.

See, we have a rule against any former guest visiting like that.  If they graduated properly, they don't care to visit, and if they did not graduate appropriately, we'd not want them to.

Also, and this is crucial, we can't let guests have "friends" over who have no place of their own.  If such have a place, then sure, they can come over and hang out for a bit, watch some TV, have dinner with them, it's cool.  But if they're homeless, then they aren't coming over for that, they're just pretending to come over for that.

They're really just trying to cadge a place to stay for the night.  So they'll pretend they're "just" watching TV till the 11 pm curfew.  Then they're "just" waiting on their ride.  Then at 11:30 pm their ride "just" has to close up whatever restaurant he's working at and then he'll be over, for sure.  Then at 1 am it turns out that he got delayed, a flat tire, ninja puppies ate him, whichever, and they can't get a hold of him or anyone else.

The game being played is that you'll then eventually throw up your hands and say, "Fine, leave tomorrow morning for sure."  With me, though, they lose that game.  I'll give them a ride any where they want to go, but it's they walk away, me drive them away, or if they insist, there can be another ride arranged.  One where they can get some free bracelets, too!

It never comes to that, though.  And one way it does not is me making sure that it never gets to that stage. Better to have things arranged so that such problems don't even come up.  No homeless allowed as "guests of guests", and thus no troubles with someone trying to cadge a night on the couch.

And, while it went unsaid, I knew she only wanted to visit with him to sneak off into his room and see how many of the Apostle Paul's admonishments against fornication she could violate.

Having sent those texts, I got to Sabbath school, which was great as always, but marred by me being interrupted by some texts from the boyfriend.  Who probably already had started in on coveting in preparation.  In the texts, he conveyed to me that he really wanted her to be able to visit.  No.  Just for a bit. No.  Why not?  For reasons I said before (that I just wrote of above).  What about just on the porch?

My final answer was, "I want her to come, get her stuff and leave.  Better that you either go to Jacksonville to visit her or visit with her at Burger King.  I can leave church early, if I have to, but that would greatly sadden me."

He knew what that meant.  His last response was swift and definitive.  "Yeah, okay."

When I got home later, she hadn't been by.  Given that her visit would not include a booty call, I was guessing that the urgency had sharply diminished.  An hour later, though, I got a text.  From her.  First off, I'll tell you what it wasn't.  It wasn't to say, "It's me, thanks for all the great aid you were to me, hope you figured out how to get your basement fixed, sorry about me not having any of the back due program fees!  Is there a time convenient to you for me to come by?" 

No, it was a text in which she - not realizing that we'd already fixed the basement ourselves and cleaned it all up - threatened about the "Health Department" and told me, not asked but told me, that after she loaded her stuff that she'd be going into my house to look for any other stuff she might have, and if I tried to stop her she would...well, here's the quote, "I don't want to have to get the law involved but if you won't allow me to check for all my things I'm afraid I will have to."

I've seen this before and so have had time to guess why some like her say this kind of thing.  It's due to them knowing that they are conning you and so they are going to play the victim card to the hilt, as if they are some how being wronged.

Bear in mind that any honest person who honestly had not had the program fee and had honestly accidentally plugged up the basement would have acted differently.  Apologetic.  Contrite.  Grateful for the time they had, more grateful for their stuff being kept safe, happy to arrange a convenient time, looking forward to keeping the bridges unburnt, so as to have some future opportunity with us.

But when they are conning, and they know they are conning, then when they see you stop being took, they know the jig is up.  Since then they know they won't ever be able to get anything from you again, they've no trouble burning the bridge by trying to get as much as they can on the way out.

Why not?  They know you'll never deal with them again.  May as well grab while the grabbing is good. Hence me "considerately" bagging up all such types stuff, because otherwise they try to walk through the whole house pointing at everything not nailed down saying, "That's mine, that's mine and that's mine."  To hear them, the house was devoid of anything till they got here, and they'll surely leave it devoid of anything if you let them.

You can actually then get a confirmation on whether the person was conning you on how they then conduct themselves.  And her text was the perfect confirmation that she had never been honest.

Another factor involved is that people tend to judge others on how they know themselves to be.  I know I'm up for paying what's due, so naturally I am inclined to give an opportunity or two for a person to catch their breath and get that program fee caught up.  But she who knew the larceny in her heart in never having paid a cent was probably genuinely dumb enough to think that I'd steal some of her stuff such that she'd have to search the whole house to get the last toothpaste tube or quarter full shampoo bottle that we had provided her anyway.

Trouble with that text threatening me with the presence of the police was that as soon as lawyers or police are invoked, or even threatened, all my indulgence and kindness ends.  At once.  On a dime, and anything thinner than a dime that you can think of.  Knowing what police, lawyers, courts and yeah, city regulatory agencies are capable of, I take such threats as seriously as if a person is drawing a gun upon me and my wife and all I hold dear.

I didn't bother answering that text.  Instead I went outside and loaded up all her stuff in my car.  The guests next door caught on to that at once, and so she was called, and then she called her boyfriend and then he came out and wanted me to stop and let her pick it up after all.  That she hadn't really meant anything by mentioning the police, he said.

I ignored him till I got the last load in, and he was still trying to get me to talk to her on the phone.  I took the phone as if to speak to her, found the red button, hung it up and told him, "She needs to text me the address in Jacksonville where I can deliver this.  If she doesn't care to, I'll pick a gas station there and text her with which one I leave her stuff at.  Any police over here, and the guest who calls them is gone.  She stayed for six weeks free, her stuff was stored for free, and now it's going to be delivered for free - and if she is ever here again, you're both going to be gone."

He agreed immediately.

I drove to Jacksonville.  Why?

Well, as pettily satisfying as it might have been to just toss the stuff, it's all she had, and her being mean, fraudulent, destructive and threatening is not justification for stealing from her.  Another person's bad cannot excuse bad on my part.  

And once she had all her stuff, she'd have no legal reason to be on the property, and that would be gold. 

But why not just let her show up and then face down the police?  Not like they could really search, right?  

Well...I love the boys in blue who genuinely are trying to save lives, good on them, but some sad to say are not very well trained.  I drove to Jacksonville in one half hour, spent less than three minutes unloading her stuff and then drove one half hour back.  

Had I waited on her, it would have been easily a two hour wait, then another half hour of waiting for the inevitable police to get there, then easily 45 minutes patiently explaining to them that no, they aren't going to do a walk through without a warrant and a battering ram.  And as I pointed out to my wife, even though it would be a 90% chance of persuading the police not to do that, we live in funny times, and funnier things have happened.

But why not just let them search?  Because if I let a sober living home guest punish my wife and I that way, it would then be done to me every time.  And because we are a real business, and the police have only lately been learning that we are, so I won't see that reversed by giving back any inch of the hard won rights that we've strove for these past few years.  ARC is not searched stem to stern upon the word of a discharged guest, neither is Helping Hand, neither is Contact Ministries, neither is Catholic Charities.

Nor will 490 Outreach be.

And yeah, also because I can't have someone go on a "shopping trip" and if she went in with the police that's exactly what it would be.  This lamp and that lamp and that and those and this and such.  And I'm to argue each time?  Really?  

No thanks.  I've a responsibility to those who donated the stuff.  And letting her in with the police would give her a chance to steal that stuff under color of law.  Police tend to follow very basic, very simple programs, like automatons.  So if she claimed ten items and I said none were hers, they'd let her have five and go home thinking they were as wise as King Solomon.

I also have a responsibility to the next guests who will no doubt enjoy having a lamp.  Or sheets.  Or a pillow.  So it's just not happening.

The drop off in Jacksonville was funny.  Not really.  I pulled up and parked on the street.  She wanted me to pull into the driveway and back in towards the garage.  So it would be easier to unload it all in there.  I didn't.  I stayed on the street.  

I started unloading at once while letting them know that I was recording the whole thing and that if they were only going to give me grief I'd drive off and drop the stuff elsewhere and let them know afterward.  She started taking one load to the garage - which took her half a minute each time, hence why I was parked on the street - and he (the Jacksonville boyfriend) started giving me grief.

I got the stuff out of the trunk and on the street, and then started on the back seat.  She came up and I told her that this was going to be faster than she expected as he was giving me grief.  Some how in this, after the month and a half free stay and the week of free storage, I was the bad guy.

He had immediately told me I was a real ass.  I said, "Yes, I'm the ass who drove over with all her stuff for free".  

By the time she'd made a second trip, I had the rest out.  She was waiting expectantly to give me what for, but instead I slid behind the wheel, and took off while shutting the door narrowly avoiding the piles on either side of my car.  I checked my phone as I turned the corner, two minutes and a few seconds.   

And there's a reason for all that.  See, if you stay behind, then good or bad, they're going to argue.  However wrong they are, they figure you are the one in the "real wrong", and they want something, be it another chance, or a place to stay again, or more storage, or just some kind of validation.  

And as you aren't going to give it to them, best to leave fast.  Because if you hear them out, then when you still refuse, they'll be doubly mad because they're so sure that their argument made sense so you must just be a meanie.  Or an ass.  Or both.  Or more.  Probably more.

This, by the way, is why when bosses fire you they hustle you out fast.  They know that the more you talk, the more you try to reason, beg or plead, the more you'll get angry when the answer is still "no".  They actually - hard as it is to believe - do you a favor by getting you out fast.

In her case, she wasn't truly going to beg, plead or ask for anything.  As she did know, for reasons I mentioned above, that she had been conning us.  But she'd have gone for the weird validation thing had I let her.  She would have chewed me out in front of her Jacksonville boyfriend to try to spin it about that I was the baddie and she the victim. And me failing to then apologize and pledge to do better in the future would have led to even more yelling and swearing than I had already been getting.

So I got out quick and drove home.  And ignored her texts about how bad I was.  And talked to the Springfield boyfriend to make sure he was okay.  He understood.  Everyone knows not to be a cop caller or to threaten it.  That's not our rule, that's just a street rule.  He hadn't known she was going to. So we're all good.

Now then.  Back to the beginning.  And my wife and I and how we ponder their troubles and situations. We've known of her two guys all this time, and with the one he'll sleep with her but not marry her, and with the other, she won't sleep with him but he wants to marry her.

Guess which one she wants?  Yeah.  The one who will sleep with her but not marry her.  

Her best option - well, this article has run on too long and she won't be hearing of or taking any advice anyway.  But it's sad all the same.  It's like being a parent.  You so want them to succeed - if only they'd just listen!  But too often, they just rebel and kick and fuss - just like a teen kid or adult stay at home kid - and ignore you and keep racing toward to the cliff at full speed.

It comes from seeing rules as bad things, instead of guidelines for success.  It comes from ignoring any advice for old fashioned family stability - like being a married couple - and from avoiding church or any other place of moral instruction.  

What a Sabbath day that was, and one that I'd have much preferred to fully honor!  Well, at least I had it all wrapped up in time for Vespers, and that was pleasant as always!