"Can you see what this says for me? I don't always read so good.", said a guest to me two days ago. Which translated means, "I cannot read, but I'm downplaying that because it makes me feel ashamed."
But let me back up. I was over at one of our sober living homes, and one of the guests asked if he could talk to me. Which always means, "Can we talk privately?" I figured maybe he had some complaint against another guest, so we walked out to the porch.
That's when he showed me the application for a job at a gas station.
He's not the first to approach me on this matter. And I think of these requests when I hear, as I sadly still do, some ask, "Why don't they just get a job?"
Yeah, believe me, I know some who come through our doors for who that might be the best advice they could ever get. But while the perpetually and unrepentedly lazy exist, much more often there are underlying problems that make the word "just" a terrible word.
"Just" get a job.
We've noticed for some years now that while alcoholics and addicts come from all economic and educational levels, recovery is definitely harder if you started with a lower level of either.
For me, putting down the bottle meant that my upper-middle class upbringing - in education, outlook, manners, dress and bearing, and such - could then kick in. And that the good Lord, my parents, my childhood church, and my fancy right side of the tracks schools, that it did.
It was a year into our ministry before we realized that not all our guests were going to be able to simply get a job and buy a house like I did.
Part of it is IQ. Some were born with easily ten to twenty IQ points less than they would have had, but mommy had to smoke, drink or drug - or all three - during pregnancy. Ponder what you'd lack if you had started with that handicap.
Part is education. Some didn't get to go to the public schools on the good side of town, but were relegated to the supposedly integrated schools that the poor folk get. And yeah, they're "integrated". They accept poor blacks and poor whites and poor asians alike, and if you're picturing which group is represented most and least, yeah, you've probably guessed right.
Part is simply the culture of poverty. I was raised to know and expect that every thing was available to me. The country was mine, and I could choose to do anything I liked in it. But the poor of all colors are raised knowing that nothing is open to them. Maybe getting a sweet construction job or union gig would be the peak of what they'd dare to dream of - positions that most of us would only regard as a punishment.
Part is our broken families. We used to despise all single mothers as fallen women, now we regard them all as saints. The truth is always in the middle. But saint or sinner, kids just don't do as well in single parent homes, and while it's heresy to say it nowadays, they also don't do as well when they do not have a mother AND father to learn by example from.
Another part, pertaining to broken families, is the lack of fathers. Mothers may nurture, but it's dads that typically go over the nuts and bolts of life - especially and crucially with sons. How to apply for jobs, how to buy a car, how to haggle and negotiate for anything, how to not be got over on. By example and instruction, dads teach these things - if they're there, and not as broken as those they're raising. Sadly for them, there are a noticeable number of them for whom I'm the first fatherly figure they've ever met.
Part is our entire police and judicial system. It discriminates against he poor, which means "disproportionately minorities". Police are more likely to arrest a poor young man than a better off young man. And if the poor young man is also black, they are even more likely to arrest them. And without bail or a private attorney, the poor get worse deals offered to them by the DA, and are more likely to do time if they are obstinate enough to take it to trial. Most don't take it to trial, though, as they know the system is stacked against them, so they are more likely to "plead out" and take "deals" that mean they now have a conviction on their record forever.
Which makes it hard to ever get any kind of "decent" job.
I could go on. And yes, part of the reason for the failure of our guests is that they are alcoholics and addicts. Though I think some of you reading this can start to realize that in some cases - not all, but some - their own initial backgrounds and upbringing and societal forces made them far more likely to develop a problem with alcohol and drugs than the better raised person.
And certainly then addiction, in a feedback loop, makes worse whatever lousy situation they were in. So when I get a guest, I'm faced with the bleak knowledge that even if they put down the bottle - or pipe or syringe - and keep it down, that they are still at the bottom of a very high mountain and would have been unlikely to climb up it very far even if they had never drank or drugged at all.
My job, I've noticed over the years, is not so much in giving pep talks about alcoholism and addiction, though it is that of course, but also being some kind of half-assed surrogate "father" or at least a kindly "uncle" to men who have apparently either never had such, or only got the poorest examples of such.
There's so much we take for granted. Not just being able to read an application, but how to dress for an interview. I tie ties for some of the men. I learned how from my dad, they learn how from me. I take them to the store and show them what they need to wear. No one had taught them. I tell them what to say or not say. Which is mostly, "Don't volunteer stories or explanations or examples. Just answer briefly but politely. And don't ask how much the position pays, they aren't going to negotiate, so it'll be whatever it is."
It would break your heart how some try and fail without knowing why. And you must be so careful not to wound their pride. What do you say when you see a guest who having been released from prison after ten years is going out for his first interview - in a suit he bought from a second hand store?
You know the job he is applying for is going to turn him down instantly for he being silly enough to wear the suit, even if it did fit appropriately and was worn correctly, which it doesn't and isn't. I strive to be aware of what each guest is doing so I can "pre-emptively advise" so as to avoid having to correct - and thus possibly crush - them later. Slacks, a button down, and I have pre-tied ties on hand. And I know where to get them the slacks and button down.
And no, it's not that they're dumb or you and I smart. It's just we take so much for granted. Knowing which jobs to wear what at. Knowing that the pant cuff should break off the top of the shoe. How you'd only button two buttons on a suit jacket even if wearing a suit was appropriate. Which colors do and don't go. All stuff learned from dad or folks you'd meet growing up in church, or folks you'd meet and imitate in college. We get it by osmosis, but they were often never exposed to any of those influences.
And literacy. Not just in reading and writing, but in all manners of background knowledge we take for granted, but were denied to so many others who we host. But literacy, that's a big one. What a priceless gift to be raised appropriately enough to read fluently. If you could see some sweating over even a food aid application, well, that also would break your heart.
And trying to encourage them in a world that is very discouraging to the less than fortunate ones. I started off trying to offer how they could learn to buy their own house. But not a one back then didn't look at me like I'd lost it. Houses were for the uppers. Not for them. I'm often times quite persuasive, but not for such an extravagantly large pipe-dream as that.
Now I strive only to encourage them to reach for the distant dream of a decent job, a decent used car, a modest apartment. Which in this nation is not so bad a life, and fairly doable for any who do put the bottle down and follow basic advice.
But what would seem so easy to you reading this, or I, is such a terrible struggle for so many we deal with. And most of it is not their fault. Yes, yes, some is, but much is not. For them, attaining the bottom wrung of our society - the restaurant job, the beater car, the efficiency apartment - takes an effort that were we to expend such would have us shooting for some Fortune 500 CEO position. And I'm not exaggerating by much.
And what do you do when they're set back by our society, or their past, or flubbing it, or all three? You must parse what was beyond their control - much - and what is yet within their control - a bit - and try to pep talk them into trying again. Gently. Without wounding any pride, because that would only frustrate them and make them give up rather than risk being embarrassed again. And if they give up, it's back to the bottle, that's always a given.
Meanwhile, that is one of the enormous reasons for why Sober Living Homes such as ours are so incredibly important. So such wounded ones can rest and recover from their active addiction, sure. But also to have a safe haven where the least job will give them some breathing room from the pitfalls and perils of normal life, where no matter what, they have a roof, some food, and some advice.
And to have me fill out an application and point to where they can scratch an illegible signature at the bottom. And to tie ties. Yes, it makes me feel like a dad. But like a dad who's kid came back from some terrible battle and must have far, far more care than we'd ever wish any son could ever need.
