...and justice for all.

Of all the groups on Earth, only teenagers have an odder concept of "justice" than alcoholics and addicts.  Or perhaps it is a tie.  In any case, teens, drunks and addicts have a very odd - but rock solid - idea of what "justice" is.

Example:  Guest A is caught drinking.  He is confronted.  He immediately says, "But you only gave a warning when Guest B did that last week."  Now, Guest B may have had one minor relapse upon hearing that his mom died after six months of otherwise perfect sobriety, and Guest A may have been off the wagon for a week and this the third time you've confronted him, but he will honestly - as honest as addicts can be - think that makes sense.

The addict will be thinking that this is some sort of "Equal Protection Under the Law" issue, but most parents of teens and sober living home Program Supervisors will see it as the old "You can't punish me unless you first punish every other person on Earth who has ever done any kind of wrong in any way, shape or form" gambit.

The logical flaw to that, in case you know it's wrong but don't know why, is that each and every person you could then try to go and correct could say the same thing, thus the proposition is really "every person on Earth must become perfect at once, or I get to morally keep sinning forever!"

Doesn't wash for real life or non-addict adults, but that's how too many teens and addicts think.

Now comes the saga of the Breathalyzer, and why I've wanted one.

It's not, as some have thought, because you can't kick someone out without a drug test or breathalyzer.  You can.  I've been doing so for the past two or three years, though there's been a drug test here or there.  You also don't need a breathalyzer or drug test to be busted for a DUI.  

You can get a DUI - or be removed from a sober living home - based upon the knowledge of the officer or Program Supervisor that you're drunk.  In the case of the Program Supervisor, it's a matter of reminding the person of the obvious.  That this is not "Law and Order" and that I don't have to "prove beyond a reasonable doubt" to a "jury of their peers".

They stumble in, they reek of booze, they slur their words, they're drunk.  End of story.  Case closed.

Okay, so I've that awesome power.  Why then did I bother to seek out a specific donation for a breathalyzer?

Because of that sense of "justice", right or wrong, that addicts and alcoholics (including myself) can fall prey to.  And usually do fall prey to.  Me, not so much, obviously, I've been clean and sober for some time, but I still at least "get" where they think they're coming from.

Example:  Guest A has been drinking, and there are no more chances.  It's time for him to leave.  You tell him so.  "It's not fair, I've not been drinking!"  Now, in this particular case, they did not stumble in, they were already in, and they're not particularly slurring their words, but you know they've been drinking all the same.  It could be anything that tipped you off to that, but for example’s sake, we’ll say it was a cup of still cool beer sitting right next to them, and they’re the only ones there.

“That’s not my beer.  Someone left it there.”

Here's the funny thing.  And here is how teens and drunks and addicts think.  "Since he doesn't really have any real proof, then for all he knows he's kicking out an innocent man.  Therefore, even though I had one little beer - which he has no way of knowing was mine - it's as if he was being that unfair to me, since for all he knows he is being that unfair!  Therefore I am justly angry at him, as he is the type of man who would throw an innocent man out with no proof whatsoever!"

You see, he’s imagining a hypothetical, where he was really sitting there contemplating Bible verses he had just read, and was so busy marvelling at the beauty of God’s words that he did not notice when an ex wife, mean boss, other guest who hates him, or Ninja snuck in and cruelly left that beer there right next to him so as to frame him.  He is imagining further that you came in after, and because you always assume the worst, and/or have it in for him, you are using it as an excuse to boot him for no reason.

He is telling himself that there is really no way for you to know that it didn’t go down that way, and in one sense is correct, it is at least possible that a Ninja Drinker snuck in the back door, left that still chilly beer next to him and slipped out, all in the hopes that you the Program Supervisor might walk in right then and there.

You are thus being unjust.  He can get very worked up over this, and the harm it would be doing to his hypothetically innocent self.  Watching, a part of you can be fascinated at the sheer artistry of it, as they get wound up to new levels of outrage, and, as I’ve told my wife, I honestly think that if you put them on a polygraph, they would pass.

Oddly enough then, it's not that you have to then persuade a jury, or even the rest of the house later.  You are now called to prove to HIM that he's been drinking, even though he does know that he has been!

ONLY if you then do convince him that you have objective data to know he's been drinking will he view your confronting him - let alone any punishment of him - as fair.  If you fail to give him such evidence, he will view you - till the end of time - as a mean and capricious monster who kicked him out unjustly.  

"Because yeah, sure, I might have had one lousy beer, but there was no way that high and mighty *#$*! could have known that!  So he just had it in for me!  Give a guy a bit of authority and he thinks he's King Turd of Crap Hill!"

Now, if you’re used to this kind of thing - and I am - then you can have the words to get around that anyway.  Often, I’ll simply use the “expect horses, not zebras” example.  I’ll point out that if one hears hoofbeats, one should expect horses, even if zebras are technically possible.  I’ll point out that while a Ninja could have come over from Japan, or an angry ex have hired a person to mess with the guest, such that either of those snuck and left a cold beer near him, that it was probably more likely he had gone to the store half a block away, got it, poured it into a styrofoam soda cup for camouflage, tossed the can, and then settled in with it.

For some, not so far gone as others have been, that is sufficient.  They aren’t happy, but they “get it” and thus having been persuaded by me that they’ve been drinking after all, some kind of intelligent discourse can be had.  Others, they still can’t get over the fact that zebras and ninjas do exist, so why do I find doubting a recovering alcoholic preferable?

I must have it in for them.

Is that the only reason I wanted a breathalyzer?  Of course not.  I also want it for desiring to have for myself objective data.  I’m not actually a monster, and don’t want to make an error that has a man leave who was innocent.

And before you wonder, no, I’ve never kicked out any innocent person.  Not for me being infallible, but for whenever there is least doubt, I wait.  In the end, it always manifests.  But this way that won’t take quite so long.  Which is good for those that are serious about sobriety.  And good for me.  Leaving to go home knowing that the “wait” may involve waiting till they get drunk and arrested or drunk and violent or drunk and crashing into the TV is no fun at all.

Act too soon, unjust to them.  Act too late, unjust to other guests.  I stay up fretting over that sometimes.

Now, I’ll know for sure, and have no worries.  And they’ll know that I know.  And I’ll know that they know that I’ll know.  Heh, heh!  The breathalyzer will help them to not lie, and to get to the part where they admit error, however poorly, and move on, however grumpily.