It's true. And for that reason, I am in some odd ways glad that I'm an alcoholic. And addict. Though long time recovered now, of course. But back when I was an active addict and alcoholic, I also had bad behaviors.
And given my alcoholism and addiction, I could - and did - assign them all to my substance abuse. It was like a handy free pass. Booze made me. The drugs. Not me, I'm great! And if just quitting - without any AA - had been all I did, then I'd still really suck as a person.
Because the truth is some of my bad behaviors were just bad behaviors, made worse by addiction, but present in me all the same. But in the monumental task of giving up alcohol and drugs, I was able at the same time to work on getting rid of some of those bad traits.
And generally succeeded. Not that it's not always a process.
Makes me almost feel sorry for those who "just" have the bad traits, but no alcoholism. They never know to go and get treatment! There being no, "I'm just a regular jerk-anonymous" meetings!
Any way, here's two of the steps that pertain to being less of a jerk, and making some solid changes in yourself as far as others see you:
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except where to do so would injure them or others.
- From the 12 Step Program of Alcoholics Anonymous
Hard steps. Hard steps for anyone, if you think about. And very hard for an alcoholic/addict still plowing through the 12 steps of recovery.
But they're worthy steps. Important steps. And like each other step, crucial and unskippable steps.
Like I said, these steps give you opportunity to get rid of more than just the addiction, you can get rid of some character flaws, too. Before the active stages of my alcoholism I was haughty and proud, and living a life of hedonism and materialism. I was focused entirely on wrong things, I was nothing for others or for Christ, I was attending no church and would have laughed at the thought of doing so.
I was a jerk. I was a stronger word than that, but I try to keep it G-rated here!
Going through active alcoholism for a few years did a lot of damage to myself and others. For alcoholism is a disease that affects more than just the person who has it. But in recovering from it, it has made me a better person than I was before. Like those broken Japanese cups mended with gold.
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| The gold is Christ. I'm the broken shards. |
So we get then to Steps Eight and Nine. Where you're making up for being a jerk to others.
Eight, I feel comfortable that I have done this step. Nine, well, yes, I have done this step...but it gnaws at me sometimes.
You see, you can go two different ways on Step Nine, each bad. Some are going to make amends, no matter what, and will actually harm further those they have already wronged, under the guise of "making amends".
These types did not learn the real lesson of that step, and are being selfish. They just want opportunity to brag on their recovery, they know there is no amends that can be honestly made to their ex or their kid or their friend or whoever they wronged.
Other types go the other extreme, and under the guise of not wishing to cause further emotional distress to any they wronged before, fail to make any amends, and just ignore all those they previously hurt and call it good.
That, too, is for selfish motives, in this case not wanting to admit just what a bastard they were to their family and friends.
In the middle is most of us. We're the ones who contact some we wronged where we think that it won't harm them further to hear from us, and offer apologies and amends. The apologies are with rare exceptions accepted, the offer of amends is usually not.
Most who have dealt with alcoholics and addicts are aware of the relapse chances, not to mention the "FoS" chances (Full of Something chances). And thus are of the mind to say things along the lines of, "That's great, knew you could do it." but then still not wish to have any renewed relationship. And that's fine.
And those of us in the middle also have some we don't contact. Often this is an ex. Or in my case, exes.
In the case of one, well, I did most all the wrong, she did little of it, but it would only bother her to hear from me again. Knowing this, I did not reach out. But that frets me every once in a great while.
In the case of another ex, well, she did most all the wrong, though I did some wrong, but to have any contact with her for any reason would only stir up a hornet's nest. After all, this ex had been so crazy - my poor choice in marrying her was due to my active alcoholism - that she had stalked me and forced me to get a Protective Order against her.
Oddly enough, though, I sometimes fret about not having made amends there, too.
I would tell either of them that I'm sorry, if I could. But in spite of my fretting now and then, I do recognize that it would do more harm than good. Same with a variety of ex-family and ex-friends.
What would I say? What would I do? These are the 3:00 am questions that long recovered alcoholics get to ponder now and then. I guess I'd paraphrase and riff off of Morgan Freeman's parole speech in that movie "The Shawshank Redemption".
"There's not a day goes by that I don't feel regret. Not because of the divorce, or the estrangement, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then, a stupid alkie thinking that the world was his oyster. I would want to talk to him, to try and talk some sense in him - but I already did. And it's got me to here. So now it's like I'm out, paroled already, but those I hurt may still feel bad. And I can't go back to take away the suffering and heartache I caused. And what can I do now that would in any way matter? That would dry a single tear that is not long dried already?"
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| "You read that in my voice, didn't you?" |
But for it to be any where near a year, there'd have to be some re-offenses going on, or I just forget about it after three months or so. Life's too short.
I hope any former family and friends and exes and such see it the same way. That having lead a relatively normalized life for roughly a decade now, that all can be dismissed, if not forgave. I'm hoping that they have found some measure of peace, as I have.
What's odd, too, and what also keeps the recovering alcoholic's mind spinning in the wee hours of the morning is wrestling between two equally bad paths. Where you take too little responsibility, and where you take too much.
The first is when you're all like, "Well, my boss was a tyrant" or "My ex was a such and such" so this was really on them, not my fault at all, even if I was drinking hard at the time! The second is where you go the other extreme and want to ascribe every bad thing that ever happened to your drinking, like you're some kind of enormous factor in the lives of everyone!
The truth is as always in the middle. My drinking had me doing some wrong that I am accountable for and sorry for. And in some other cases, it wasn't that my drinking made me bad to someone, but rather that my drinking made me dumb enough to hang out with bad people, and then, predictably, bad things happened.
In not all cases was I innocent. And in not all cases was I guilty.
But I'm sorry for the pain caused all the same. If anyone in my past is net stalking me, please know that.
I've been punished for some things I didn't do, but not for other things I did do, so I can't complain. I can't make amends to some who I'd want to make amends to, but I can try and aid all those I encounter now, and hope that some how it goes all around and back to them eventually. I didn't get all the chances I'd have liked, but I can try and give chances and aid to others who might need them.
I get a lot of wrong done to me in my chosen profession. I try to take it as penance. I try to take it as a lesson on turning the other cheek, some times literally. My life was gave back to me. I can at least strive to aid others who haven't recovered yet, that they might have a chance to get their life back.
I'm grateful for AA, and my wife, and my faith, which has helped me get through this, including the ponderings and musings that still keep me up some nights.
And most of all for Jesus Christ, who has accepted my apologies and my confessions, and forgave me.
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