A Stumbling Block Avoided

Often a man who's had a lot of trouble in his life will join the military.  It provides a fresh start, and an opportunity to show the world - or at least his family, his friends, his "circle" - that he's not the bad seed they may have thought, but an actually good guy.

Such fresh starts are invaluable.

Me, I had already served in the military.  But when I then lived a life of ups and downs and all arounds, culminating in falling prey to alcoholism and addiction, I also sought some fresh start.  For me, there was the charity that my wife and I run, and joining church.

The charity was to try and aid those in finding the recovery from addiction that I had found, and to give them the kind of "hand up" that I had hoped to find when I had hit rock bottom.  But yes, besides that good and decent motive, I also wanted what all men want, a chance to show those I care about, those who's opinions I value, that I wasn't really that down and out alkie any more, but a real man.

Same in joining church.  I joined for the clean reasons one should join for.  Love of our Savior, thankfulness for His sacrifice that allows even such as I to have a new chance, a new life.  But yes, sure, of course because I hoped that good and decent people would observe my changes, or as they did not know me then, observe the man I had fought hard to become.

In near half a century of a rather varied life, I've learned that everyone has such duality of motives.  A desire to honestly strive to be better and good, and the desire to have the respect of others who one values and looks up to.  Nothing wrong with it, and neither contradicts the other.

When you see a man in the military get awarded the Medal of Honor, or even so much as a Bronze Star, that man did not charge up a hill and risk sure death to save 12 people simply for the joy of the Medal and the admiration of his social set.  He honestly did it because somewhere along the line, he became the man he was striving to "pretend" to be, the work finished, he had improved, and he did in that moment what was in his heart to do.

He wasn't pretending to be a real hero then, he became one for real.

The medals then, if any, are but icing, but a delicious and tasty icing all the same.  Oh, sure, he did it for nobility, and he'd do it again, even without the recognition.  But recognition is nice all the same, and it can sadden him to not get it, especially when those about him say, "You shoulda got it, Joe!"

I have felt that for the past week or so.  But in truth, instead of the "why" of that being a sad thing, it's actually been something that has helped me grow a bit more, when I had thought that most of my personal growth was over.  If nothing else then, it's aided me in seeing that I do still have growth to do, and that is a good thing, not a bad.

What happened is that for a year, a great, good and busy year of starting a new food ministry from scratch - with the aid of many good people - I had finally won through to success.  This wasn't success in 490 Outreach, per se, but in the church I attended specifically.  490 Outreach partners with that church, so while I already have known that I succeeded in 490 Outreach, I had now received indication that I'd succeeded in church.

In 490 Outreach, my outward reward for the inward work done was when I joined the Chamber of Commerce and also when various other aid agencies started referring people to me.  And when such agencies would even contribute money to us.  This type of recognition was as if I had received medals, they validated what I had known.

Such was not why I had done such work in the field of sober living homes, but they were a very, very pleasant validation of who I had become all the same.

Like a wise philosopher once said, "A spirit too needs fuel, it can run dry." - and such recognition of a man's spirit is fuel to those who strive hard.  And what's often forgot is that weak and flawed alcoholics and addicts have to strive twice as hard just to achieve half as much as the blessedly normal folk can expect.

I had been told of an opening to be coming open on the Church Board for over a year.  And in my (perhaps sinful) pride, I had yearned for it.  No, not to walk about saying, "Behold my glory" or anything dumb like that.  But for a validation of a variety of church work that I honestly enjoy doing and do for it's own sake, but do only because of a massive amount of inner work and inner struggle to self-improve myself from the selfish ***hole I had been through much of my active addiction life.

And as a third motive, a natural desire to contribute in a meaningful and important way in a church that I love.  Yes, I tithe, yes, I donate 30 plus hours of volunteer labor a month, but I felt that a say could also benefit the church.

I had forgot, of course, the scripture about those disciples in the Last Supper who had been bickering over who was the greatest.  No, no, this was not where I thought I was the greatest, I know I am not, I know that in fact far more than some others who would be quick to say I am not.  Just that I had erred in setting hopes on a recognition that I should have been more blasé about.

Suffice to say, I did not get nominated for the church board.  A 1/19th say in that Board was denied me.  And yeah, as a man who is the living example of the verse that says, "For all have sinned and fell short of the glory of God", I did feel pain over that.  And a bit more pain than usual, for instead of being offered the position, and instead of them just offering me nothing, I was offered a position that boiled down to "2nd Co-Assistant Junior Helper".

Kind of like busting your butt at McDonalds all year, hoping to be given the "Lead Worker" badge and then being offered a made up "2nd Co-Assistant Fry Cooker" badge.

And there was Satan.  Always nearby to stir things up.  He - or one of his demons - was quick to remind me of every flaw and foible of those who were nominated for such leadership positions.  Fortunately, as sinning as I am, I am not that dumb.  I do know well the foibles and flaws of such folks - as who couldn't, when I attend 99.99% of all church events and activities and 100% of every board meeting?

Then in what purely must have been Satan inspired, I found myself early at the latest board meeting and while quietly reading over the church budget notes had to hear one woman on the board say to another, "It's been hard to find those to fill the leadership positions, as they must be of good spiritual heart."

That made me sad.  I know I have such a heart.  But I resolve now to try to show it better.  I learned a long time ago that getting someone else to work harder is a fool's errand, but one can always strive to work harder themselves.

And, while I'm aware of the foibles of those who make these decisions, I'm aware of all their goodness, too.  It's funny, there are factions on the board, and one "dislikes" the other to such an extent that the word "hate" would come to mind, were it not that we are taught not to hate.  Yet I can, as I sit in the back of the room watching the Board meetings each month, dispassionately note that while each side thinks it's on the side of angels, that both sides - and the various minor sides - all love Jesus, all love the church, and all think they are doing what is best.

That by itself, over the course of this past year, has helped me to grow, and I am grateful for that.

I did the old "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" and even "on the other other hand" thing.  I know some of the clean reasons that could have been cited to keep me off that board.  But I also know that those reasons were probably a bit of a stretch, and it probably has more to do with just me not being there long enough, or having upset a wrong person, or just not being a "known" enough factor.  Or maybe, as some told me, it's just a "clique" thing.

And I know of my own flaws, times I could have tried harder to go easier on others.  And I know such flaws existed in others, but were forgave in them.  And I know that if they felt that they had a really clean reason for denying me a position that most thought I'd obviously get, they'd have shared it.  And as they have not shared it, that hurts, too.  Mostly for it telling me that I'm just not "one of them".

But after all the hands, and I think I had 23 hands by the time I was done pondering this (for I had wanted that recognition greatly) I settled on, "Even if they chose to decline me for wrong reasons, I'm either doing good for goodness sake or I am not."  So therefore, as I am doing good because I now have come to a point in which I truly value it, I carry on.

Funny, twenty years ago - even ten - I'd have railed against this to the high heavens.  Perhaps this was then a test.  Now I can just put it behind me, and get back to the good - and for me fun - work of aiding others in the food ministry, while continuing on with plans for growing our sober living homes.  Not only is that enough, it's more than enough.

And heck, there's always next year!  Perhaps there hearts will have softened by then.  Or perhaps I'll be recognized as having a "good spiritual heart".  In any case, I feel this was a Satan-inspired stumbling block, but one I'm simply going to jump over and continue to carry on.