People who refuse to live clean and sober are frustrating. For one, there's no reasoning with them. You can tell them the benefits of living sober and they'll agree entirely. Yep, they won't argue with you at all, they 100% agree that living clean and sober is the way to go, and they will be up for spending some time in making sure you know that. What they won't then do is actually start living clean and sober.
It's amazing to witness. At no point are they disagreeing with you. They completely agree that being clean and sober is the best thing to be. It's "just" that their addiction/alcoholism is not as bad as the ones you're speaking of, or they have a handle on it, or they're not really the ones with the problem, or their loved ones and friends are exaggerating, or other people drink and drug worse, or really, it's "just" not any one elses concern, as their drinking/drugging is not affecting anyone else.
I put "just" in quotes, because I hate that word. It's like as long as something is "just" then a bad is some how good and wrong is some how right. "Just" is some word that apparently lets you acknowledge bad while denying it's badness. Were you cheating? Why no, I was "just" on a date with Trixie. Were you drinking? No, I was "just" having a few to unwind. Were you drugging? No, I was "just" sniffing the heroin, not shooting it or anything.
Then for two, they want to make anything you say personal. So when you explain how living in a clean and sober fashion - not just for a day or month, but month after month - is a benefit, they want to act like you're suggesting they're a bad person. Like you're trying to lay some kind of guilt trip on them. Which is odd, since they had - as mentioned in my first point - previously agreed that living clean and sober is a good thing.
But they will be upset with you, mark my word. They'll become defensive. "Hey, we're all flawed, man, we're all sinners!" they'll say, as if by commenting on that obvious fact that it then excuses their particular sin. This is "chaff", as in something tossed out to distract you. It's not real. You can confirm my assessment of this by pointing out to them that you agree that everyone is flawed and sinning, but you're not advocating a leap up to perfection, only for a modest improvement that - in theory - both of you agree is good. Like to now live clean and sober.
If what they had said about how we're all flawed was real, this is where they'd hit their forehead and say, "Yeah, I hadn't thought of it like that! I guess I should start living sober, and not use the fact that we can't be perfect as an excuse to not grow and improve!" But as it really was chaff, they'll instead be upset with you and ask why you're down on them or some other deflective question said with a tone that is as clear in meaning as a cat's hiss. "Get away", that tone will say.
Also, this is where they'll want to justify by citing how good they are in general. And so if you continue to argue with them, it's like you are disagreeing with their "good guy" status. They'll trot out how they're providing for family or still holding a good job or attending a church or being kind to their mom or other such chaff. And all that, by the way, is chaff. They already know that you could easily point out that Hitler was kind to his dog - what does that have to do with his bad? And likewise, so they work for a living or love their mom - so what?
But while we're all supposed to be kind to dogs, work for a living and love our moms, they toss this stuff out so that if you agree, then they're like "See? Since I'm so great, I hardly need to worry about being clean and sober this month!" Forgot is that those things aren't really that great. We're all expected to work and bathe and pet dogs and give gruel to orphans. Those good things don't excuse doing bad.
It's forgot that even if those things were super-duper great, that it still wouldn't matter. Getting an A + +
Thirdly, when they can't agree with you to death or toss out suitable chaff to distract you, they'll end up blaming something or someone. Now you know you're getting somewhere, the somewhere being their second to last line of defense. This is where you'll hear how the stress of family or job causes their drinking. Or how if anyone was in their situation, they'd do the same. They don't have time for AA or NA meetings. Their schedule is to busy. Those meetings don't do any good anyway. Those in the meetings are lousy. Concurrent with this is the stuff from before, too, so you get mixes and matches of excuses and chaff.
"I drink because of my job, but not so much as Steve, and it isn't hurting anyone and it's just a few each night, and do you know how many charities I help with?" Yeah, they'll still use all the other stuff, but they'll now be implicitly admitting a (tiny!) problem, but one excused by other people or situations not treating them right. It's still chaff, as you'll find out if you try to explain how there is no problem that won't be made WORSE by failing to be clean and sober, and then observing that they still will not be clean and sober.
Instead, you'll get down to their last line of defense. You'll be attacked. Who are you to be on their case about this? Are you some kind of puritan? Some busybody sticking your nose in their business? Are you their friend - or their mom? And besides, are YOU perfect? A rather bizarre question when you think of it logically, as it would suggest that unless you are perfect, you could not then criticize anyone about anything ever! And yet there is the person who drinks and drugs, criticizing you, though having previously admitted that drinking and drugging is bad!
Apparently then, the person refraining from being clean and sober each month is okay - but you mentioning it is bad! At any of these various levels, this is where the alcoholic/addict has wanted you to walk away. Walk away fooled, walk away in friendship, walk away thinking something will be done, walk away thinking nothing needs be done, or walk away realizing that you're too imperfect to discuss it - but WALK AWAY and leave them to their drinking and drugging.
And inevitably, that is what you must do. Walk away. If the person won't admit they have a problem, there's nothing you can do to "make them". You can only do two things at that point. Wait for them to hit rock bottom and realize that they need to make a change - and you can be there for them then. And in the meanwhile, be there for any family or friends of theirs who get hurt by relying on the alcoholic/addict, and then being let down by that alcoholic/addict.
For the alcoholic/addict is not just hurting himself, he's hurting all those who had relied upon him being clean and sober each month. So until they're ready for help, help those who relied upon them.
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