The Long Gap in Faith

From the first three impressions of Seventh-day Adventism, all in my twenties, I should have been right on track to become a member, settle down and have a calm and productive life.  Regrettably, I did not.  Though at this point, I do feel that all I went through was to get me where I need to be - here! - it was a rough road nonetheless.

Oh, not at first, and not exclusively.  I spent many wonderful years in Alaska, though sadly I did not avail myself of an Adventist church, or any other faith community.  Part of it was a heavy leaning on my own understanding.  Thinking that my life was in order, all was right in my universe, leaning a lot on "my".

And yes, I was drinking, though at that time, it was still what would be characterized as "moderate", and not something that was impeding job or school or life in general.  Though it was probably having spiritual effect, and may have been a factor in not attending church.

Fast forwarding many years and I and my wife at the time and our now adult sons (adopted when they were in their teens) are in Illinois.  But my alcohol intake has increased greatly, and my life is no longer going fine.  And drinking does impede things. Like my marriage.  Drinking impedes a marriage on it's own, and certainly drinking contributes to other reasons, and thus my marriage failed.

Or rather, and more honestly, I failed.  My marriage could have been just fine.

Perhaps then I had a "midlife crisis" at 38.  Or perhaps it was just being an active alcoholic.  Or my own sinning nature.  Or life ganged up on me.  Job and family pressures?  Does that sound pleasantly excusing? Or while no one likes to think it of themselves, maybe I was just a bad person.  I'm inclined to think a little bit of all of those, good and bad, me and life.

But mainly me.  I own my alcoholism, and I own my idiocy.  And my sinning.  And that rarely ever left enough blame for anyone or anything else.

In any case, I made a series of poor choices, in this, my now active alcoholic stage.

This won't be where I confess to a variety of sins that were more stupid than anything else.  Suffice to say I sinned them.  I've always disliked those round table "testimonies" where each person tries to one up the last speaker in how bad they were before they found Jesus.  Most of us, like me, were not "glamorously" bad, no tales of motorcycle gangs or international espionage.

No, like most was just another sinner, thinking he knew better when he did not, and also doing things that while I could try and kid myself were okay, I knew were not okay.

I wish I could point to one awesome Road to Damascus moment, where - perhaps when I found myself alone with nothing and no one to call on a forsaken highway in Nebraska - that I was struck by the truth and turned my life around.  Yes, that time on the side of the road in Nebraska did help.  But more as one more stepping stone to a salvation still to come.

I had plenty of more stumbles after my prayers on the side of that road.  Mostly related to me thinking that I could either "handle drinking" or that I could "quit without AA".

So there had to be more such stepping stones.  My wife Katie was one, for her marriage to me while I was still not fully recovered.  That was a real boon.  A boon to me, anyway, not so easy for her, but she stuck it out with me, and I am grateful to her for that.

AA helped.  I chuckle to myself when some active alcoholics tell me that AA doesn't work - "Well, how's no AA been working for you?" is my usual response!

But honestly, of the many stepping stones, the missionaries of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were a big one.  Not as big as my wife, but a big one.  I was mostly recovered by then.  But there's a world of difference between a recovered alcoholic and a "mostly" recovered one!  Being only a little actively alcoholic is like being only a little bit pregnant, but the with alcoholism, the trouble will come sooner than in nine months!

What the earnest young missionaries did was not so much - as I thought of at the time - "re-introduce me to church", but more to "re-introduce me to Christ and godly living".  In my vanity I felt I had a relationship with Christ and just needed a church.  In reality, I needed a real relationship with Christ, and this was just the church that caught me receptive to knowing I yet needed something.

I am aware that some feel that such could not be the case, as Mormonism isn't "real Christianity" or that they have the Book of Mormon or that they have other odd differences to "mainstream" faiths.  Yet, I can give a testimony that many of them know Christ.  Their leadership might not, but many of the members do, and are good and kind people such as can be found in almost any church that acknowledges Christ as our Savior.

So while Mormonism might be a step down for many, and surely for those who are already Seventh-day Adventists, it was definitely a step up for a still struggling alcoholic.  My experiences there are outside the purview of this little article, but suffice to say, it did re-introduce me to Christ, and get me completely off alcohol, and cigarettes to boot, so that I was a few more steps ahead on my long faith journey.

I left them, formally, roughly a year ago, over a theological difference.  The one where I felt it was okay to question leadership when they hurt others, and leadership disagreed, they being "called of God" and "divinely inspired".  I still attended for a bit, but differences with their bishop abounded - you're really, really not allowed to disagree with leadership there - so I was barred.  My journey after that, after four and a half years a "Mormon", I'll speak of in the next article.