Seeking Salvation?

I'm still processing my latest prison visit. To another sex offender. Against a child. He says he wants baptism.

You know, I saw a Star Trek episode once where the villain told an elaborate, but semi-plausible lie to Lt. Worf for really no reason. It gained him nothing. Worf asked him why. The villain said that lying is an art, and so one must keep in practice.

I thought of that episode as I listened to this 20 year old go on and on about how he was framed, it was a set up, his family was in on it, his public defender let him down. It just struck me, that really, when you're stone cold busted, why not just tell the truth? Or at the least, have practiced lying better?

Because if one must lie, why not use that time in prison to come up with a more creative one? I could, without a smidge of effort, come up with a better story than he did. I don't say that as a brag, though, I'm pretty sure most kids the age of his victim could come up with a more plausible lie, too, and his victim was only four.

Am I being too hard on this guy who in theory is seeking salvation? Hmm...no, I don't think so. In fact, if anything, I am actually quite concerned for him. More than he'd ever know. And I mean, really concerned, like I actually am caring about his welfare, now and in the future.

But I know people. We are our own worst enemies at times. For in almost every progression, there is the pretense of reform, and it comes before any real reform. And this young man is in the "pretense" stage. A stage that doesn't necessarily ever have to end, and if Satan has his way, will never end till the young man dies of old age, and no longer has the ability to repent.

The lie that the person tells to himself - and this applies to all sinners - is that, "Well, I'm not going to do that any more, so what business is it of anyone else what I did do?" Hmm...like most of Satan's snares, that's a plausible one. After all, I don't go around introducing myself by listing out all my sins of the past. I repented of them, I'm done with them.

But I did confess them, in accordance with the spiritual program of AA, to myself, to my Higher Power (God and Jesus) and to another person. I did this so as to not be able to hide - even to myself - that I "really" was a sinner, and not just some dork who everyone was against who has to say crap to get free. The difference between that young man and I is that I don't get to pretend that I was cool all along and then just tacked on Jesus later to be even cooler.

Like he wants to. Like many who have done far less than he - or I - want to.

Now this young man's crime is far worse - as I'd reckon it - from my idiocies involving booze, assaulting a fellow drunk who happened to be an off duty cop and more booze. His crime is far worse than the idiocies - and evil - of mine that I have not chosen to write down in this article, but that God and my wife and I know of and accept. And he's not really repenting. See, if he was repentant, then he'd have to admit it. Imagine if someone asked me, "Dean, are you sorry you were a drunken bum who pissed away family and property and friends?" and I said, "Well, see, I was framed! My ex had it in for me, my folks were never there for me, the sun was in my eyes!" Not much of a repentance. Hard to repent of something when you don't admit the "something".

The real answer is, "Yes. Yes, I am sorry for that. And there's some cases where I'd go tell them personally I was sorry if I didn't think it would cause more harm and more pain to them." Now that I can give that real answer means that I was able to then "really" repent. I was able to accept Christ. And He does forgive me. And thus I do not have to dwell on, or give a play by play to you reading this, or anyone else, as to the nitty gritty of my past sins. Past sins literally washed away, by the Blood of the Lamb.

Back to this man. This 20 year old, in since 18, who in 2 years doesn't have any more learning of himself and his actions then to try to toss out, "Dint do it, lawyer effed me!" like he's starring in "The Shawshank Redemption". And he wants baptism. And to be regarded as having been always good, good all along, and just now going ahead and tacking Jesus on top of all his great goodness.

He wants to be regarded as good, and to be looked up to. A natural enough human impulse. But he wants it without work, without effort, without admitting to any real wrongdoing. Without, in short, real repentance. And that can never work.

He must first burn through Satan's lies - and his own lies to himself. He must know and internalize and deal with the wrong he did to that girl. And the wrong he did to the girl's family, and the extra wrong he does them in lying about them. Heck, when an sinful addict gets really into the steps, the addict knows he must even be sorry for the crap he gave his hapless Public Defender, who was gave a crappy case and couldn't have done a thing with it even if he were Clarence Darrow!

So this young man will have to be sorry to the Public Defender he slanders, too.

Can it be done? Yes. Will he do it? Too soon to tell. I can promise you that he will have opportunity to. That he even recognizes baptism as a good thing helps. Time will tell.

Nevermind me and nevermind him, though. It occurs to me - of everyone who if asked is smart enough to say, "I'm a sinner, too!", do you really know you are? Here's a pro-tip: If all you're going to trot out to others - and yourself - is bad thoughts, then you probably need some further reflection. I've long thought that there are a lot of NON-alcoholics and NON-addicts out there who could really benefit from the 12 steps. Just replace the word "alcoholic" with "sinner" and go from there!